


I'd Rather Pretend (I'll Still Be There at the End)

by khaleesiq



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bottom Liam, Fluff, M/M, Smut, Solo Artist Liam, Solo Artist Zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-12 20:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4492800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khaleesiq/pseuds/khaleesiq
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Flashes of staying up late, reading comic books under the dull light of a flashlight, whispering and sharing secret kisses under the covers play in Zayn’s mind. Stolen moments of happiness during some of the toughest and most grueling months of his life. And then tears, goodbyes, and promises that would never come true. Every little thing he associates with the boy sitting in front of him now, five years later.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>  <em>Except, this is a different boy. This Liam isn’t the same Liam who had those beautiful natural curls that he hid with a straightener. This isn’t the Liam who was so serious and earnest about every aspect of his life, especially Zayn. This is the Liam that left him, and decided that Zayn wasn’t worth the effort.</em></p><p> </p><p>  <em>Liam nods at Zayn, his smile faltering slightly at Zayn’s stricken reaction. “Hey Zayn. It’s good to see you again.”</em></p><p> </p><p>(Or, the one where Zayn and Liam are both successful solo artists that used to date during X Factor, and years later Liam comes to Zayn for help on his album.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd Rather Pretend (I'll Still Be There at the End)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saynomore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saynomore/gifts).



> I hope that this fulfills the prompt well enough. I hope you like it and I'm sorry if it sucks :(
> 
> Title taken from the song "The Writer" by Ellie Goulding.

There’s nothing like the rush of adrenaline you get after a show, Zayn thinks. Despite being on his feet for two hours straight, projecting his voice to thousands of people without a break, he feels nothing but energized. He feels as if he could run a marathon, and Zayn hates running.

It’s not a very big gig, but he still gets the same overwhelming feeling of gratefulness when he hears the fans screaming his name and the lyrics to his songs as he does at bigger gigs. In fact, he prefers doing shows at the smaller venues. It feels more intimate, like he has a chance to actually connect with almost everyone there.

Of course, he can’t always play the smaller venues. You can’t be the winner of six VMAs, ten BBMAs, three Brits, and a Grammy nominee and just play small venues. But every once in a while, Zayn gets his manager, Louis, to pull some strings and let him play somewhere small.

“You were great out there,” Louis praises as Zayn jumps into the slick black SUV. “As usual,” he adds with a wink.

“Thanks Lou,” Zayn says before gulping down a whole bottle of water.

Under normal circumstance, it doesn’t take long for them to reach Zayn’s flat in the middle of London. Even though traffic is usually terrible in London, with the show just ending, the traffic is ten times worse than usual.

Louis groans as he leans his head against the window, trying to gauge just how bad the traffic is. “It’s gonna be a long ride, mate,” he says, reclining against the seat and shutting his eyes. “Might as well try to get some sleep in.”

Zayn isn’t tired though. He’s still high on adrenaline. Besides, it’s not like he really needs sleep right now.

Technically, he’s supposed to be on a break right now and working on his next album. But he’s been on a break for more than two months and he could tell that the fans were getting anxious and worried about him dropping off the face of the earth. And normally he would just tweet something like “new album is looking great” except…well…

He hasn’t exactly been working on the new album.

Every time he sits down to write something, nothing comes to him. He carries his notebook around with him everywhere, hoping that he’ll get a little bout of inspiration when he least expects it, but he hasn’t. And it’s fucking killing him.

He wonders if he’s burnt out, if this is a sign that this is the end of his career, of Zayn Malik, the boy who beat the odds and still succeeded despite losing X Factor all those years ago. He wonders how all those assholes who call him a terrorist on Twitter will feel when they end up being right about Zayn not being good enough to stay in the entertainment industry for longer than five years.

Louis had suggested he let his lyricist do all the work this time around. Zayn has been working so hard for five years, it’s no wonder he can’t come up with something new. And Zayn has nothing against having someone else write songs for an artist, he really doesn’t (in fact, some of his best friends in the industry don’t write any of their own music), but—when he’s already being torn down for being a sell-out, and having no substance—he just doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire.

And maybe, just maybe, he’s secretly hoping that he can get a Grammy for this new album. And he wants it all to be written by him if he does, so that he can feel a deeper sense of accomplishment. So yeah, that might have something to do with why he’s freaking out so much over this next album.

But Louis keeps assuring him that there is absolutely no rush to finish it. He hasn’t announced another tour yet and the fans know that Zayn needs a break. Zayn just really doesn’t want to let them down, make them wait for something and then have it suck. Or worse, lose hope in him.

Which is why he did the concert tonight. To remind each and every one of his devoted fans that he is not giving up on them and he is so grateful for them. And he’s glad he did it. Maybe this will remind him why he loves his job so much, give him the inspiration he’s been waiting so long for.

Unfortunately, Zayn had left his notebook at home, thinking that he wouldn’t need it at any point tonight. And now he’s really regretting that decision as a tune flows through his mind. He hums it quietly, so he doesn’t disturb Louis’ rest, and taps his foot, hoping that it will stay in his brain long enough for him to write it down.

He all but bolts out of the car and through the doors of his building, pounding the button for the elevator impatiently. As he waits for the elevator, humming louder now as he grows more and more anxious, a tired Louis shuffles up behind him.

“What’re you so excited about?” Louis mumbles, resting his head on Zayn’s shoulder.

Zayn doesn’t even question Louis’ presence, just accepts the fact that Louis is apparently staying over at his flat tonight. He wonders if it’s weird for an artist and their manager to be as close as they are. Louis is, without a doubt, Zayn’s best friend in the entire world. He spends practically every moment with him and trusts him with his life. But he guesses that makes sense considering Louis is in charge of every aspect of his career.

“Thought of a song,” Zayn spits out quickly before humming again, more frantically now, as if his life depends on remembering this melody.

Louis’ eyes widen. “Seriously? Z, that’s amazing. Fuck—sorry, shouldn’t distract. Okay, done talking now.”

Zayn cracks a smile as he continues humming. The elevator finally arrives, but not without dumping a whole load of young twenty-somethings off. They all look ready for a big night out, whereas Louis looks like he’s ready for a big night in.

Zayn taps his foot impatiently as the elevator climbs the twelve floors of Zayn’s building. When they reach Zayn’s floor, Zayn drags Louis out by the wrist, apparently waking him up. (Zayn swears that Louis’ ability to fall asleep anywhere rival his.)

He fumbles with his key before finally unlocking the door and bursting through it, not bothering to hold it open for Louis. He doesn’t even take his shoes off before falling onto the piano bench, resting his hands atop the keys, and…

Nothing comes.

He’s forgotten the melody he had running through his head just a second ago. _Fuck._

“Zayn?” Louis says from somewhere behind him.

“I don’t remember,” Zayn whispers. He lets his hands drop from the piano keys. “Fuck, Lou, I don’t remember the tune.”

Louis sits down beside Zayn on the bench and puts an arm around him. Zayn buries his head in the crook of Louis’ neck and lets Louis rub his back in soothing circles.

“It’s okay, Zayn,” Louis assures him. “It’ll come back, I’m sure it will.”

Zayn sits up and looks at him. “But what if it doesn’t? What if this is a message from some higher being saying, ‘Look Zayn, you were great, but now you’re a failure and you will never amount to anything better—’”

Louis slaps him. Not very hard, but it’s a slap nonetheless. “Don’t fucking say that, Zayn Malik. Do you hear me? You are the most talented artist in the entire world, okay? But sometimes talent needs a rest, and I think that’s what’s happening here. Just—don’t worry about it too much. The songs will come.”

Zayn nods and wraps his arms around Louis tightly. “Thanks Lou. Seriously. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”

“Does this mean I can sleep in your big ass king-sized bed tonight?” Louis asks.

Zayn pulls away and lightly punches his arm. “Asshole.”

Louis grins and stands up. “Don’t stay up too late worrying. We have a meeting in the morning.”

Zayn waves his hand in Louis’ direction. “Yeah, yeah. Good night.”

Despite Louis’ advice, Zayn spends the next hour staring at the piano keys, hoping the tune will magically come back to him. He decides it’s not going to happen once he realizes that it’s past midnight and he really does have to get up early in the morning. He goes to bed soon after that, after dramatically thumping his head onto the piano keys with an inharmonious _bang_.

***

It’s a little past 8 A.M. when Zayn is rudely awoken by Louis hitting him in the face with a pillow. It’s rude, even for Louis, and Zayn can’t help but throw a pillow back at him before burying his face back into the comfort of his bed.

“ _Zayn_ ,” Louis chastises. He rips the blankets off of Zayn. “You have to get up. I overslept and we’re late.”

Zayn shivers and curls in on himself, really regretting going to bed in just his boxers now. “Who even sets up a meeting this early in the morning anyway,” he mumbles.

Louis pushes at Zayn’s body repeatedly until Zayn finally sits up and declares, “Fine, I’m up. I’m up!”

Louis smirks and heads for the doorway. “You have ten minutes to get ready before I come in here and drag you out of here half-dressed.”

Zayn groans as Louis leaves, shutting the door loudly behind him. It takes Zayn less than five minutes to get ready. He pulls on a random t-shirt and sweats without looking at them first. He doesn’t have enough time to style his hair so he just pulls it back into a knot at the back of his head, not caring if it looks bad.

When he emerges from his room, Louis looks impressed. “I’m surprised it didn’t take you the whole ten minutes to get ready. _And_ you somehow still look like a model.”

“Fuck off,” Zayn mutters. “Let’s just get this meeting over with. We’re meeting with the label, yeah?”

Louis nods. “It shouldn’t take too long. They just said that they have a couple of things they want to discuss with us. Fifteen minutes tops.”

They head out the door and Zayn wonders, “And this couldn’t wait until the afternoon because…?”

“They hate you, obviously,” Louis tells him.

“Thought so,” Zayn says.

Zayn manages to fall back asleep in the car on the way to the building, but the trip isn’t nearly long enough for his nap to even matter. All too soon, Louis is shaking him awake and they’re trudging up the steps to the building.

Ben Winston, the label exec, waits for them in the lobby. His lips are drawn in a tight frown and his arms are crossed. “You’re late,” he comments when Zayn and Louis reach him.

Louis scratches the back of his neck, looking sheepish. Not many people can intimidate Louis, but Ben Winston seems to every single time they see him. “Yeah,” Louis says, “sorry, we overslept.”

Ben’s face doesn’t change, but he sighs and uncrosses his arms. He presses the button for the elevator and gestures for them to go inside when the doors open. “Well c’mon then. We don’t want to waste any more time than we already have.”

Zayn presses his lips together to keep his thoughts to himself. He has to be honest, he doesn’t like Ben that much. He’s self-centered and thinks that he’s always right, and won’t let anyone else get a word in edgewise during conversations. But he’s good at his job, Zayn has to give him that. Which is why Zayn doesn’t complain when Ben does annoy him. Because Ben Winston is just as good at destroying careers as he is at building them. And Zayn hates to admit it, but he kind of needs Ben. Especially now.

No one says anything on the elevator ride up to the top floor of the building, where Ben’s office is located. This is strange since, even though they’re not particularly friendly with Ben, Louis usually tries to strike up a conversation whenever he feels awkward. But when Zayn looks over at him on the other side of Ben, he’s hanging his head. Maybe he’s actually ashamed of showing up late.

Ben leads them to his office, walking quickly as Zayn and Louis try their best to keep up. He opens the door for them and beckons them inside. As they walk in Louis says to three men waiting there, “We’re sorry for keeping you waiting. I can’t really make up a good excuse right now, so I’m sorry that we overslept.”

The men inside laugh, and Ben smiles in relief. Zayn’s gaze sweeps over the men, the one in the middle making it linger for some reason—

Holy shit.

It’s Liam Payne.

Flashes of staying up late, reading comic books under the dull light of a flashlight, whispering and sharing secret kisses under the covers play in Zayn’s mind. Stolen moments of happiness during some of the toughest and most grueling months of his life. And then tears, goodbyes, and promises that would never come true. Every little thing he associates with the boy sitting in front of him now, five years later.

Except, this is a different boy. This Liam isn’t the same Liam who had those beautiful natural curls that he hid with a straightener. This isn’t the Liam who was so serious and earnest about every aspect of his life, especially Zayn. This is the Liam that left him, and decided that Zayn wasn’t worth the effort.

Liam nods at Zayn, his smile faltering slightly at Zayn’s stricken reaction. “Hey Zayn. It’s good to see you again.”

Zayn’s throat feels dry and he stares at Louis. “You didn’t say—” _You didn’t say the meeting was with him_ , Zayn was about to say. _You didn’t say it was with the boy who broke my heart._ But Liam cuts him off before he can get the words out.

“I asked him not to,” Liam says, the smile completely gone now. And, fuck, Zayn wishes it would come back. Because he remembers how hard it was to get Liam to smile back then, and how Zayn was the only one who could get him to smile. And now Zayn is doing the exact opposite. “I wanted it to be a surprise. So…surprise?” He offers a sheepish little smile and Zayn can’t help but think, _Shit, he’s still so cute._

Louis looks between the two of them, confused. “Am I missing something?”

Zayn shakes his head. Now that the shock has worn off he just wants to get this meeting over with as soon as possible. “Nope. Nothing. We’re good.” He ushers Louis to the two empty seats waiting for them. “I’ll tell you later,” Zayn whispers in Louis’ ear.

“It’s my understanding that the two of you were friends back when you were on X Factor,” Ben starts.

Liam smiles a little, but nods. Zayn wonders if Liam’s thinking what he’s thinking, that they were a little more than friends. Unless friends typically stuck their tongues down each other’s throats on a daily basis.

“But we haven’t really been friends since,” Liam admits, looking down at his hands.

“Mind telling me what happened?” Ben wonders.

Where could Zayn possibly start? How about where they couldn’t get enough of each other while they were on X Factor, only keeping their hands to themselves when they were being filmed because they thought it would lower ratings if the two youngest and swoon-worthy contestants were dating each other. Or maybe he should start at the part where he lost the competition, getting third place, and making Liam promise to win and not forget him.

Liam did end up keeping his promise to win, and he didn’t forget Zayn, but…three weeks after the competition ended Zayn got the news that he was going to be signed despite losing since his talent couldn’t be wasted. He called Liam to tell him the big news, and that they would be signed to the same label, but the conversation ended in tears when Liam suggested that they shouldn’t date so they could have time to focus on their separate careers. Zayn was so angry that Liam would give up something that was so special to Zayn, something he had thought was so special to the both of them, just like that, and so he never talked to Liam again.

And then five years passed. Zayn had heard about Liam’s success, though, even though he never talked to him. But where Zayn went to R’n’B, Liam went to pop. His fans were slightly younger than Zayn, and his songs are played on the radio much more often than Zayn’s, but other than that, they pretty much run in the same circles. They go to the same awards shows, are invited to the same parties. Zayn’s actually surprised that they managed to go so long without speaking to one another.

Zayn wonders if it’s been too long. If there’s no way they can fix their relationship, bring back what they once had. Zayn hates that he thinks that, but Liam was his first love, and he doesn’t think that he’ll ever really get over him.

“What do you think, Zayn?”

Louis’ voice snaps him out of his reverie, and he realizes that he’s spent the last five minutes thinking about his and Liam’s past rather than listening to Ben.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn says, staring resolutely at the blank white wall behind Ben’s head. “I zoned out.”

Everyone laughs, except Ben, who looks annoyed that he has to repeat himself. “I said,” Ben says, “that Liam has been hard at work on _his_ new album—” He stares pointedly at Zayn. “—but he wants to something a little different with the sound.”

“My sound right now is pop, though and through,” Liam continues, leaning forward so that he can look at Zayn. “But I’m older and I’ve grown, and I think my music should too. And I really like Justin Timberlake and Drake and so I was thinking, that maybe, um, I could change it to be a little more R’n’B.”

Liam’s cheeks are stained red, and Zayn would once again be overwhelmed with how adorable he still looks if it weren’t for the words that had just come out of his mouth. “You want to be an R’n’B singer?” he asks.

Liam shakes his head. “No. I still want to do pop, but I want my sound to be more R’n’B. And I was thinking that maybe, since that’s your area of expertise, you could help.”

Of all the people Liam could’ve asked, he asked Zayn. There are much more well-known singers, more successful singers that Liam could’ve asked to help him that don’t share bad blood with him. What is he trying to do here? It’s been so long, it seems a little late for Liam to come back and decide that he finally wants to patch up things between him and Zayn.

“You can say no,” Liam says, sitting back in his chair. His voice is quieter when he adds, “I think I would deserve it after everything.”

And that’s—no. Zayn cannot let Liam think that. He can’t let hardworking, earnest Liam believe that he deserves anything less than the world. Sure, he royally fucked things up between the two of them, but only because he never half-asses anything, especially not music which he is _so_ passionate about. And Liam wouldn’t be here if he didn’t care that much about it.

Which is why Zayn barely hesitates when he answers, “Yeah, I’ll do it.”

Liam straightens in his seat, looking surprised. “Seriously?”

Zayn nods. “Seriously, Liam.”

Liam’s entire face lights up, and Zayn swears that he would say yes a thousand times just to make him smile like that. Ben even smiles a little and claps his hands together, declaring, “I suppose that’s that. I’ll set up some studio time for the two of you, and let you know when it’s available.”

Everyone gathers their things and start to leave, but Zayn hangs back a bit, waiting for Liam. Louis gives him a curious look, but Zayn just says, “Go wait in the car, I’ll explain later,” and Louis doesn’t question it.

“Liam,” Zayn says lowly, almost hoping Liam doesn’t hear him.

Of course he does, and he whirls around at a speed that rivals the Flash. “Yeah Zayn?”

“We’re good,” Zayn says.

Liam’s eyebrows furrow together. “What?”

“Everything between us,” Zayn elaborates, “it’s fine.”

“But I—” Liam starts, but Zayn cuts him off by shaking his head.

“You broke my heart,” Zayn says. Liam opens his mouth, but Zayn barrels on. “But that was five years ago and—fuck. I didn’t even realize it, but I really missed you.”

Liam smiles, and Zayn knows it’s real because his eyes crinkle at the corners in the way he loves so damn much. “I really missed you too. I’m sorry that I never talked to you, but I knew I fucked up. I made you think that I didn’t want anything to do with you because I cared more about my job, but that’s not true. Maybe I thought it was then, but now—”

“It’s okay,” Zayn says before Liam starts rambling and gets off topic. “I forgive you, and I understand. Being a singer is hard fucking work.”

Liam laughs. “I know right?” He hesitates, biting his lip. “So…are we friends?”

“Of course we are,” Zayn says. But he knows that it doesn’t feel right, calling Liam just his friend.

And Liam smiles, but this time it doesn’t reach his eyes. And Zayn wonders once again if Liam is thinking the same thing that he is.

***

“I can’t believe,” Louis says, “that you never told me about you and Liam.”

Zayn shrugs. He honestly never thought that he would have this conversation, had been hoping, actually, that he wouldn’t have to have this conversation with Louis. “I didn’t think it mattered.”

Louis has spent the whole conversation standing up, staring at Zayn in disbelief as he explained what had happened between him and Liam. Now, Louis sits down next to him on the couch and puts an arm around Zayn’s shoulders. Zayn snuggles closer, dropping his head onto Louis’ shoulder.

“Of course it matters,” Louis says. “He was your first boyfriend. Not only that, but it means you aren’t as straight as I thought, and the media…”

He doesn’t finish his sentence, but Zayn understands what he’s implying. “That’s why I never I told you. I don’t want the media to know, and I didn’t want you to force me to come out or anything—”

Louis shakes his head vigorously, aghast at Zayn’s words. “Zayn, I would—I would _never_ force you or anyone to come out against their will. You have to know that.”

Zayn hangs his head, ashamed that he had assumed the worst of his best friend. It’s just— “It makes me nervous,” Zayn explains. “Having someone know and then accidentally letting it slip to someone else who might tell the media.”

Louis bites his lip and his next words come out very slowly. “Would that really be so bad? Coming out to the world? You’ve established yourself pretty well in the industry. Anything they might say wouldn’t hurt you that badly.”

“It wouldn’t hurt my career, no,” Zayn admits. “But—you know they’ve said the shittiest things about my race and my religion in the past. And maybe it didn’t hurt my career, but it hurts me, Lou. Fuck, it hurts so much, even though I try to do what you said and ignore the haters, but it’s so hard when they’re attacking something that’s a part of who you are. And I don’t want to give them something else to hurt me with by coming out.”

Louis nods, and then hugs Zayn tighter. While Louis is bossy, sarcastic, annoying, and sometimes just downright rude, he does know how to be a good friend. He knows when Zayn needs comfort and when he needs space. And right now, Zayn needs as much comfort from Louis as he can get.

Zayn rests his head on Louis’ chest, and Louis cards his fingers through Zayn’s thick black hair. There’s a long moment of silence before Louis speaks again.

“What about Liam?” he says.

Zayn looks up at Louis, eyebrows furrowed. “What about him?”

“Well he’s out,” Louis says, staring pointedly at Zayn waiting for it to hit him. When it doesn’t, Louis sighs and continues, “What’s stopping him from telling the world about your relationship during X Factor?”

Zayn shakes his head. “He wouldn’t. Liam never—he’s not like that. He wouldn’t just blurt something out like that. He knows that, even though it wouldn’t hurt him, it might hurt me, and he wouldn’t do that.”

Zayn thinks that’s going to be the end of the discussion, but then Louis purses his lips and Zayn knows it’s far from over.

“What if he still has feelings for you?” Louis asks.

And that’s—that is definitely _not_ what Zayn had been expecting Louis to say next. “What?” Zayn says for lack of anything better to say.

“Well,” Louis says, “you mentioned that you might not still be completely over Liam. What if he’s still not over you either?”

Zayn laughs. He’s guessing that’s not really the response Louis had been expecting by the way his eyes widen and he looks around the room with uncertainty.

“There’s no way,” Zayn says, still laughing, “absolutely no way that Liam still has feelings for me. If he did, why wouldn’t he have tried to make up with me sooner?”

“Because until today, he didn’t know that it _could_ be fixed,” Louis says. “And the fact that he respected you and your space by assuming that you would never want to see him again, means that he must still care for you in _some_ way.”

“But—” Zayn is at a complete loss for words. “Why?”

Louis shrugs. “I don’t know. But I don’t think you should dismiss it. But if he does still have feelings for you, would you come out for him?”

Honestly, Zayn has no idea. Maybe, when he was seventeen he would not have hesitated to answer that at all. But now, after Liam has broken his heart and has done barely anything yet to redeem himself, Zayn doesn’t want to. But if what Louis says is true, and Liam really still does care about him, five years later, then maybe…

“He doesn’t still care about me like that,” Zayn decides, because he really doesn’t want to think about this anymore. “He can’t.”

***

Zayn has no idea how this is going to go. He’s hoping for the best, that he and Liam will just fall back into the rhythm they had back on X Factor, but he’s also realistic. He has a feeling that their first meeting to discuss changing Liam’s sound will be as awkward as two real housewives who secretly hate each other but are acting like they are best friends as they drink white wine on a beach in France together.

And he’s right, for the most part. He spends half of the meeting just listening in on Liam talk with his lyricist, Harry, and the other half nodding and putting in minimal input when Liam tries to come up with melodies for songs.

But he’s actually enjoying himself more than he thought he would. Liam is so much more talented than the media gives him credit for. He comes up with melodies for songs in a split second, and he actually comes up with most of the lyrics, with just suggestions from Harry. He’s got a good grip on the R’n’B sound already, Zayn doesn’t think Liam really needs him.

And then there’s his voice.

Fuck, Liam’s voice is amazing, and Zayn is just in complete awe every time he hears it because there’s no way this boy’s voice is real. And it’s so much better like this, in its raw form as he tests out the melodies and lyrics of a song that hasn’t even been written yet.

He wouldn’t mind coming back here and doing nothing everyday if it means listening to Liam sing.

But of course Liam is too nice for his own good and eventually does ask Zayn for some input. Zayn doesn’t think he can really compete, though, so he just shrugs and tells Liam that he’s doing fine on his own. Liam frowns but doesn’t say anything and continues with his writing.

That’s how most of the meetings go for about a week. Sometimes, Zayn does offer more, but usually he just sits back and watches. In that week Liam gets more done on his album than Zayn usually does in a month.

And then Liam confronts him.

It’s the second week of their meetings when it happens, and Zayn gets there early. At least, he thinks he’s early because Harry isn’t there yet, but when he checks his phone he finds that he’s actually about five minutes late.

“Where’s Harry?” Zayn asks Liam as he slips off his jacket. It wouldn’t be weird, but Harry is always there when Zayn arrives, even when Zayn is early.

“He isn’t coming in today,” Liam informs him, staring at Zayn intently, as if to gauge his reaction.

Zayn gives him a confused look. “Um, okay?”

Liam sighs and crosses his arms. “What is with you, Zayn? Do you not actually want to do this with me? Are you still mad at me? Why has the longest sentence you’ve spoken to me this past week been, ‘That’s a cool beat, mate’? I don’t—I just don’t get you, Zayn.”

Zayn stares at him in shock. He had no idea Liam felt that way. That Liam thought that Zayn’s lack of words during their meetings last week meant that Zayn hated him, when in actuality, they meant the complete opposite. It’s ridiculous to Zayn because he knows that he could never hate Liam in a million years, but he can see why Liam might be confused.

“I don’t still hate you, Liam,” Zayn starts as an explanation.

Liam ducks his head down. “I would understand if you did. I definitely deserve it, after what I did to you—”

“ _Liam_ ,” Zayn groans. After five years, he can’t believe that Liam is still like this. Constantly degrading himself, never thinking he’s _enough_ , and it kills Zayn because this boy is so amazing and so dedicated and caring and Liam can’t fucking see it. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?” Liam asks genuinely.

Zayn takes a step closer, placing his hands on Liam’s shoulders. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. I’ve forgiven you.”

“I still don’t understand why, though,” Liam says. “You said you missed me, but— _why_? After what I did to you?”

“You put all of your effort into everything you do,” Zayn says. “And the most important thing to you is music. And even though I was upset and bitter about it before, I get now, seeing how serious you are about making this an amazing album, just _how_ important music was to you. And when you were signed, you were going to put all of your effort into this career. You weren’t going to take any breaks or time off just for some kid you dated for a couple of months.”

Liam shakes his head, placing his hands on Zayn’s hips. “Zayn, you—”

Zayn doesn’t want to hear it, though. He knows that Liam is going to try and tell him that Zayn did matter as much to him back then as music did, but they both know that isn’t true. He cuts Liam off, saying, “You know why I haven’t said that much this week?”

Liam quirks his head, awaiting Zayn’s response.

“It’s because I’m in awe of you,” Zayn says before he can think too much about it. It feels like a confession, a declaration of something much deeper. But Zayn’s not even sure what that is. “You’re so talented, and I love watching you work. And to be honest, I don’t really know what else I could say that would make it any better. I really don’t think you need me.”

“I need you,” Liam says quickly. Then he blushes, as if realizing just _how_ quickly he had said that. “You’re really in awe of me?”

Zayn nods, inching closer. This feels like it could be a really important moment for them, but it also feels like it’s coming too fast, too strong after having just been reunited. He barrels on anyway, “I’m in awe of everything about you. Your voice, your personality, your strength, your smile—”

At that, Liam smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners and Zayn—Zayn can’t help himself. He leans forward, and Liam’s eyes widen, but his eyes are on Zayn’s lips, and their lips brush together—

And then the door opens.

And Harry walks in.

Liam stumbles backward, and Zayn puts his hands behind his back, as if to communicate to Harry, “I am _not_ touching him, _I swear_ ,” like Harry is Liam’s father or something.

“Haz,” Liam gasps, his eyes darting between Zayn and Harry. “I thought you weren’t coming in today.”

“I wasn’t,” Harry says slowly, as if trying to figure out what he had just walked in on. “I was supposed to be shopping with Gemma today, but she got sick and cancelled. What’s going on here?”

“Nothing,” Liam and Zayn both rush to say. Liam grabs Harry’s arm and brings him over to the piano. “Anyway, we should probably get started. Here, listen to this new melody I’ve been working on…”

And, as usual, Zayn spends the whole session watching Liam. Except this time, Liam watches him back.

***

Zayn has to admit, he actually really likes going to awards shows. Well, besides spending the first hour posing and doing interviews where the interviewers ask him the same type of questions he’s been answering for years, it’s actually quite enjoyable. Even if he doesn’t end up winning anything, he likes watching the performances, the speeches, and seeing if any his own favorite artists won anything.

Tonight though, tonight is different. Of course, it’s not actually the first time that Zayn and Liam have attended the same awards show, but it is the first time that Zayn is extremely aware of Liam being at the same awards show as him, and the first time that Liam will be performing at the same awards show that Zayn is attending.

Every time Zayn poses for a picture, he spies Liam across the red carpet laughing during an interview. And then Zayn gets distracted by how beautiful Liam looks when he laughs and he doesn’t realize that he’s supposed to be moving forward.

Or, Zayn will be doing an interview, and he’ll notice Liam posing with his neck elongated and Zayn will notice that birthmark that he remembers kissing so vividly, and his mouth will get dry  

Zayn decides right then and there that Liam Payne will be the death of him.

Luckily, Liam is sitting behind him during the actual show. And Zayn is ashamed to admit that he knows this because he looked around frantically when he sat down, trying to figure out how close Liam was sitting to him. He’s slightly disappointed that he won't get to gaze at Liam during the boring parts of the show, but on the bright side at least he’ll know if he wins because he won’t be distracted by the back of Liam’s head.

Zayn listens to the host’s _hilarious_ monologue, claps politely for artists who won in categories he doesn’t really care about, and bobs his head to performers he’s never heard before, but are actually pretty good, even if they aren’t his style of music. But the whole time, Zayn is tapping his leg furiously as the time comes closer to Liam’s performance because he has no idea how he’s going to react to it. But, if his behavior during the red carpet is anything to go by, he’s going to be a mess. He just hopes to God that the audience cam doesn’t cut to him at all during the performance.

Then Nick Grimshaw and Ellie Goulding come onto the stage and announce, “Performing his newest single, ‘Tell Me’, here’s Liam Payne!”

The crowd erupts into cheers, but Zayn remains speechless because Liam is—fuck he knows it’s corny as hell, but Liam is _breathtaking_. He knows that Liam usually performs with backup dancers (because Louis told him, and _not_ because he spent a whole afternoon looking up Liam’s performances), but tonight it’s just Liam. Liam in a dark blue suit jacket, with a single spotlight on him as he croons into the microphone with his whole heart.

Then Zayn listens to the lyrics. And he knows that you shouldn’t read into every little thing, that not everything in the world means _something_ , but it’s hard for him _not_ to when Liam sings _I knew it wouldn’t last forever, so tell me how you feel now_ , and _I wonder when you’re coming back, when you’ll be mine again._

Suddenly it hits Zayn. Liam didn’t _just_ write this song after he started meeting with Zayn again. This had to have been on his last album for him to be performing it now since they haven’t recorded or released anything from this new album yet. Which means that Liam was thinking about Zayn when he wrote that song over a year ago. Which means that Liam never got over Zayn after X Factor.

Which means that Liam is just as fucked up over Zayn as Zayn is over Liam. Even more so.

And Zayn _swears_ that Liam is looking at him as he sings. Well, maybe not looking directly at him since the lights on stage are incredibly bright and there’s no way that Liam can actually see Zayn in the crowd, but he’s definitely looking in Zayn’s direction. And his voice gets softer as he sings, _Tell me that wasn’t the end of you and me_.

Zayn can’t take it anymore. He stands up abruptly, getting a weird look from Louis as he trips over people’s legs to get the fuck out of there. He doesn’t know where he’s going as he rushes to the back of the auditorium, all that’s running through his mind is _Liam, there’s no way that song is about me, Liam, absolutely no fucking way, Liam, Liam, Liam…_

He bursts through the bathroom doors and checks to make sure that it’s completely empty before he falls to the ground and crumples up in ball. It’s too much for him to handle. Sure, he feels attracted to Liam again now, but it’s different. It’s different because he had forgotten about Liam, he had _gotten_ over Liam, and now he’s attracted to him again. So what? It happens.

But Liam… Zayn had thought that Liam was just attracted to him again too. And Liam is, if that day in the studio is anything to go by. Except, that song couldn’t have been about anybody else. And Liam had asked for Zayn specifically to help out with that album. And—fuck.

Liam is in love with Zayn.

After five years of no communication, nothing, Liam is still in love with Zayn.

_What the fuck._

The door knob handle turns suddenly, and Zayn’s head shoots up. He had completely forgotten to lock it and now some glamorous celebrity is going to walk through that door and judge him for huddling on the floor. It’s probably John Legend, or Jay-Z, or—

“Zayn?” Zayn hears Liam’s voice before he sees Liam’s head timidly peek out from behind the door. “Zayn, what are you doing on the floor?”

Zayn stands up quickly, not wanting Liam to see how pathetic he is, getting so fucked up over a fucking _song_. But he goes too fast, and his head spins. He reaches out for the counter, but his hand misses and he goes crashing back against the wall.

And then Liam is there, with his hands steadying Zayn by the hips. Zayn can’t help himself when he wraps his arms around Liam’s broad, solid shoulders. He lets himself have this, just for one moment.

“You okay?” Liam mumbles, his eyes wide with concern.

Zayn nods, but takes a couple more moments to relish the warmth of being in Liam’s arms before he takes a step back. He nearly collides with the wall but at least he isn’t so close to Liam, and he can think a little more clearly.

“That song,” Zayn says, “what was it about?”

Liam bites his lip. “Love,” he answers vaguely.

“Love for who?” Zayn questions.

“Someone I care a lot about,” Liam says slowly. “But he clearly doesn’t feel the same way.”

Zayn’s mouth opens a little in surprise at that. Liam doesn’t actually think that Zayn—maybe Zayn doesn’t feel for Liam with the same intensity that Liam clearly cares for Zayn, but does Liam think that Zayn doesn’t feel the same way for him _at all_?

“How do you know that?” Zayn asks, his voice lowering slightly.

Liam shrugs. “We just—we haven’t talked in forever. And then when we finally do talk again he barely says a word to me. But then he says things like ‘I’m in awe of you’ that makes me think that maybe he does feel the same way about me, but then he’ll go back to being silent again. Mostly, he’s just really bloody confusing.”

Zayn smiles. “Have you really felt that way since the beginning? And never stopped.”

“Never,” Liam says, shaking his head. “I have never stopped being in love with you, Zayn Malik.”

And maybe having space between them doesn’t really help with Zayn’s concentration because suddenly he can’t think about anything except how much he wants to kiss Liam. And so he does. He grabs Liam’s shirt and pulls him against Zayn, and presses their lips together fiercely. Liam gasps, surprised, but it doesn’t take long for him to melt into it, wrapping his arms around Zayn’s waist, clinging onto Zayn’s jacket for dear life.

Even though the kiss had started out as a more “heat of the moment” type of thing, it slows down, Zayn taking his time to gently open Liam’s mouth with his tongue and lick its way inside. Liam moans, and he slides his hands down Zayn’s back until they reach his ass. Suddenly, Liam squeezes his ass, and then Zayn is being lifted and pushed against the wall. He wraps his legs tightly around Liam’s waist and continues kissing Liam with a ferocity he hadn’t even realized he had in him.

Liam tips his head back, giving Zayn access to the delicious caramel birthmark that he’s been fantasizing about for a while now. He slides his lips down Liam’s jaw and neck until he reaches the mark, and then lightly bites it. Liam gasps, his arms tightening around Zayn. Zayn smirks as he continues sucking at it, deciding that the noises that Liam is making right now are much better than any song he’s ever listened to.

The door handle jiggles, and Zayn whips his head around. But Liam keeps kissing at Zayn’s collarbone, clearly unaware that they’re about to be interrupted.

“Uh Liam,” he says, because it’s really fucking hard not to be distracted when Liam is licking along his neck. “Did you lock the door?”

Liam nods, kissing Zayn’s cheek. “Locked it when I came in.”

Zayn chuckles, putting a finger under Liam’s chin and tipping his head up so he can look into Liam’s eyes. “Hoping to get lucky, were you?”

Liam frowns and shakes his head. “Just wanted a moment alone to talk to you.” He kisses the side of Zayn’s mouth. “This is just an added bonus.”

Zayn grins. “Who said I was complaining?”

They go back to kissing, and Zayn starts to grow hard in his dress pants. He grinds down against Liam, hoping to instigate something more, and Liam more than happily takes the hint. He drops Zayn, but keeps him pressed up against the wall as he unzips his pants.

“We should,” Zayn pants as Liam takes him into his hand and slowly slides it up and down, “get back…soon. Louis’ probably…wondering— _shit Liam_ —where I am.”

Liam kisses his neck. “I know. But I have to take care of you first.”

And fuck if Zayn is going to say no to that. He tips his head back as Liam jerks him off, slowly and gently, as if Zayn were something delicate. He smiles as he watches Liam concentrating so hard on getting Zayn off, loves how serious Liam is about it. And Zayn can’t help but kiss him.

Zayn grasps at the back of Liam’s jacket as he kisses him and kisses him. It’s not very neat, and Zayn is more or less panting and moaning into Liam’s mouth than kissing him, but Zayn doesn’t want any part of himself not touching Liam. Finally, he comes over Liam’s fingers, groaning into Liam’s mouth as Liam whispers, “I got you, Z, I got you,” into Zayn’s ear.

Zayn feels wiped out, but he needs to feel Liam, needs to see Liam come, so he reaches down and unzips Liam’s pants and dips his hand into Liam’s boxers.

“You don’t have to—” Liam gasps, cutting off abruptly when Zayn squeezes him.

Zayn kisses him slowly, savoring the taste of Liam’s mouth. “I want to take care of you too,” Zayn whispers against Liam’s mouth. Liam sighs happily, bringing one of his hands around Zayn’s neck and pulling him in for another kiss.

Unlike Liam, Zayn works fast and dirty. But if Liam’s moans are anything to go by, Liam loves it. He comes quickly, coating Zayn’s fingers, but Zayn doesn’t mind. He rests his forehead against Liam’s while he comes down from his high. He wishes that it could’ve lasted longer, but they both have an awards show to get back to.

They wash their hands and share one last lingering kiss before Zayn reaches for the door. But Liam stops him with a hand on his wrist.

“What?” Zayn asks.

Liam bites his lips and stares down at the ground. “What happens now?”

Zayn hadn’t thought about that, didn’t _want_ to think about that. Because there’s one small problem with them being together. “I want to date you, Liam,” he says, trying to come up with the best way to phrase it.

“Then date me,” Liam says, tearing his eyes off the floor. “What’s stopping you?”

“Well,” Zayn says, staring at the door instead of Liam. “I’m not exactly out.”

Liam freezes, and his eyes widen. “What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean, Liam,” Zayn pleads, silently begging Liam not to make him explain it, to understand him like he always did before.

“So no one knows you’re gay,” Liam says quietly, as if there are others listening in on this conversation.

“Bisexual, actually, but yes,” Zayn replies. “At least, not the public. Louis knows, as do the label execs, but they don’t think I should come out.”

Liam laughs, taking a step back. Suddenly, it’s as if everything that had transpired between them just a few minutes ago dissolves and ceases to matter with that one little step. “You know you don’t have to do every little thing they say. They didn’t want me to come out either, and yet, here I am.”

“But I’m not like you, Liam,” Zayn protests, getting angry. “I’m not brave like you are. And it’s so much harder to be happy with who I am when everyone hates it so much. So yeah, I am going to listen to them because I—I _want_ to stay in the closet.”

“ _Zayn_ ,” Liam says, his voice soft and gentle.

Zayn carries on, as if Liam hadn’t spoken. “Do you know how hard it is, to go on the internet and see nothing but hate for your name? I have been called a terrorist, a dirty Paki, and stupid brown boy more times than I can count. People hate me for my religion and my skin color. Can you even imagine what that’s like, to be attacked for something you believe in, or something that you were born with that you can’t even help?”

“Zayn, I—” Liam tries, but he can’t come up with anything to say that will make Zayn feel better.

“I’m sure you got hate when you came out as gay,” Zayn says, his voice softer now that he isn’t as angry and passionate. “And that must have sucked. But you got past it because you’re—you’re _you_ , so brave and untouchable, like if something knocks you down you won’t hesitate to get back up again. And believe me, I tried to do that, I really did, but it’s so hard when people attack things that are so personal and it _never ends_. And I don’t want to add fuel to their fire by coming out. I’m sorry, Liam.”

Zayn had expected Liam to try and convince him to fuck the haters, or whatever bullshit argument that he had already heard from Louis. What he gets, though, is Liam stepping up to him, placing his hands on Zayn’s face, and placing a long, lingering kiss on Zayn’s mouth.

Zayn gives Liam a confused look and Liam smiles. “You _are_ brave, Z. Your bravery is just different than mine, quieter. And I understand how hard it can be to accept yourself when no one else will. But I’ll always accept you, Zayn, and I’ll be here with you no matter what.”

“Even when I fall?” Zayn asks.

Liam nods, pressing his lips to the corner of Zayn’s mouth. “Even when you fall.”

Zayn shakes his head, an overwhelming pang of sadness washing over him. “I don’t—I’m not sure if I can be with you,” Zayn says. “I don’t know if I can hide the way I really feel about you if we’re together.”

Liam takes a step back, but takes Zayn’s hand and laces their fingers together, silently letting him know that he’s never too far away. “Then we’ll just stay friends for now. But I’ll wait for you, because I love you, Zayn.”

And Zayn decides then that he might just be a little bit in love with Liam, too.

***

It’s impossible for Zayn to remain “just friends” with Liam.

He’s come to accept the fact that he feels more than just physical attraction to Liam, but holding off on his feelings until he can be out in the open with Liam is much harder than he thought. Every time Liam laughs, sings, or even just looks at him, it’s nearly impossible for Zayn to stop himself from grabbing and kissing him all over.

And he thinks that Liam feels the same way. There have been moments, when Harry has left the studio and their heads are bent close to one another and Zayn catches Liam staring at his lips before he looks away, flushing. Or, when Zayn is leaving and Liam stands close to him and leans in slightly, before abruptly turning away without saying anything.

Zayn wonders how long they can put up with this behavior.

“Zayn?”

Liam’s voice breaks him out of reverie. He’s smiling at Zayn, his eyes crinkled at the corners (and that’s another thing—Zayn has never seen Liam smile so hard that his eyes crinkle like that for anyone else).

“Yeah?” Zayn asks, hoping he didn’t miss too much. “Sorry, I was just off in my own little world.”

“When aren’t you?” Liam says fondly, then he blushes, realizing how he might’ve sounded there. He clears his throat and says, “This is Niall. He’s my guitarist, but he’s amazing at writing music.”

That’s when Zayn notices the blonde boy sitting next to Harry. He’s wearing a loose tank top and balances a guitar on his lap as he leans over and reads some of the music that’s already been written. He looks up when he hears his name and grins at Zayn.

“What’s up, mate?” Niall says, as if they’re old friends catching up. “Liam’s told me a lot about you.”

Liam’s cheeks redden even more (if that’s even possible) and he mutters, “Okay, that’s enough out of you, Nialler.”

Niall laughs, throwing his head back. “No, but seriously, Zayn, it’s really great to meet you. You’re music is amazing.”

Zayn raises his eyebrows. “Thanks, but, no offense, you don’t really look like the kind of person that listens to my music.”

Niall shrugs. “I probably wouldn’t’ve if it weren’t for Payno over here. Mate, I can’t count the number of times he made me listen to your first album the first day it came out.”

Liam looks horrified, but Zayn is amazed. He can’t believe Liam was obsessed with his _first_ album. First of all, because Zayn thought that if Liam had ever stopped caring about him it would have been those first few months after X Factor, when their careers began. Second of all, his first album is absolutely _terrible_. He still didn’t quite know what he wanted his sound to be and it ended up being this awful mix of pop, R’n’B, and rap, and his voice hadn’t fully developed yet and a lot of his songs made him sound like Justin Bieber after being autotuned.

He wonders if Liam still listens to it. Shit, he really hopes not.

“Don’t listen to him, Z,” Liam says, glaring at Niall. “He’s just taking the piss.”

Niall shrugs, but winks at Zayn, letting him know that he’s not really joking. But Zayn ignores it and turns to Liam, reassuring him that he understands what mates are like.

They continue working, and Niall adds a quality to the music that makes the R’n’B sound more unique. It’s perfect for Liam’s voice, especially for someone transitioning from pop to R’n’B, and Zayn is so proud to be a part of this team.

Towards the end of the session his phone starts buzzing in his pocket. He’s right in the middle of trying out harmonies with Liam, and he really doesn’t want to answer it because he loves the way their voices sound together. But then he glances at the caller I.D., notices it’s Ben Winston, and groans because he really should answer it.

“Sorry, Li, but I gotta take this,” Zayn says, waving his phone so Liam can see how important it is.

“No worries,” Liam says smiling. He pats Zayn’s knee and stands up. “I think I have an idea for what I want to do now.”

Zayn watches Liam go, then takes a deep breath before bringing the phone up to his ear. “Hello Ben,” Zayn says. It sounds so informal, to call him Ben, but that’s what he insists on since it makes him seem friendlier, more _approachable_.

“Zayn!” Ben says, way too cheerfully, which is not a good sign. When Ben sounds cheerful at the beginning of a call or a meeting it usually means he has something bad to say. “How are you doing? Heard you picked up a few awards the other night. Congratulations!”

“Thanks,” Zayn says insincerely. He just wants to get this over with. “What are you calling about?”

“I just want to know how you’re album is going,” Ben says.

Shit. His album. Between helping Liam out and dealing with his feelings for Liam he had completely forgotten about his album. Although Louis had been assuring him for months that he didn’t have to hurry to work on it, time is running out. And right now he’s realizing that he’s supposed to start recording in two months. _Fuck_.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Zayn says, pinching his nose and closing his eyes. Maybe if he closes his eyes he’ll just disappear and all of his problems will go away. “It’s just that I’ve been so busy that I haven’t really—”

“Listen, Zayn, it’s fine,” Ben says. “I can hire some lyricists and everything will—”

“No!” Zayn shouts, and Liam, Harry, and Niall all look over at him with concerned expressions. He gives them a smile and a little wave, letting them know he’s okay. Harry and Niall get back to their work but Liam continues frowning at him. Zayn looks away. “No, Ben, I want to write my own music. I’ll get to it, I swear.”

“Okay,” Ben says, sounding not entirely convinced. “But if you’ve barely gotten anything done in a month, I will have to hire someone to write songs for you. Understand?”

“Understood,” Zayn says, and then hangs up quickly before Ben can say anything else. He turns and yelps because Liam is standing right there.

“Sorry,” Liam says, rubbing Zayn’s arm to comfort him. “Is everything okay?”

Zayn jerks his arm back. This is Liam’s fault. Well, not completely, but if it weren’t for him needing help with his album, and distracting Zayn so fucking much just by being there then maybe he would’ve gotten some work done on this album. And Zayn really doesn’t want Liam’s comfort right now because what can Liam do except distract him even more?

“It’s fine,” Zayn snaps.

Liam jerks back, as if Zayn had hit him. “Is there anything I can—”

“I think I should just go,” Zayn says. He pushes past Liam and grabs his bag. He knows that he’s being a total asshole right now, but he’s stressed and he just wants to go home and be away from Liam who he desperately wants comfort from right now, but it will hurt too much knowing that it doesn’t—it _can’t_ mean anything since they’re just friends.

“But Zayn—” Liam starts, but Zayn is out the door before he hears the rest of it.

He calls Louis on his way out asking him to come over to his flat.

“Yeah, sure,” Louis says easily. “What’s going on?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Zayn says as he steps outside. “Oh, and Lou?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you bring some ice cream? The biggest container you can find.”

***

“You, Zayn Malik,” Louis says as he shovels mint chocolate chip ice cream into his mouth, “are a fucking idiot.”

Zayn groans from where he’s lying upside down on the bed, his head hanging off of it. “I’m well aware of that, thanks Lou.”

And he is well aware of his idiocy, and not just because Louis has been repeating it for the last thirty minutes. Zayn _knows_ that the way he treated Liam before he left the studio was totally uncalled for. But Zayn was stressed, and he had just been scolded, so he was in a shit mood.

“Good to know,” Louis says with a grin.

Zayn takes a spoonful of ice cream. “What do you think I should do about Liam?”

Louis hums around his spoon as he thinks. Louis knows everything about the “Liam situation” because he demands that Zayn give him every detail of their writing sessions as if they’re football play-by-plays.

“Frankly,” Louis says, placing his spoon back into the tub as an emphasis, “I don’t see why you shouldn’t come out.”

“Louis,” Zayn groans because they have been over this a thousand times.

Louis puts his hands up as if in surrender. “I know, I know. Your reasons for not wanting to are valid, but just think about it. You’re loads more famous than you ever hoped to be, your target demographic is older and more mature, and if you came out you’d get to be happy with Liam.”

“Or,” Zayn says, shoving his own spoon back into the container, “everyone just has another reason to hate me. It’s not worth the risk, Lou.”

“I think you’re being dramatic,” Louis says.

“And I think that you don’t understand what I’ve been through,” Zayn counters.

Louis goes silent after that. Maybe he doesn’t _completely_ understand what Zayn has had to go through, but he has been with Zayn through every second of it, and he knows how hard it has been on Zayn. Zayn thinks that’s why he doesn’t say anything more about Zayn being dramatic about the whole coming out situation.

They go back to eating their ice cream silently until Louis finally asks, “So what are you going to do about Liam?”

Zayn shrugs. “I suppose I should go apologize to him.”

***

Zayn doesn’t see Liam for another week. Liam has an awards show to attend (the Kids’ or Teens’ Choice Awards, he’s not sure, but it’s definitely a show that Zayn has never been invited to) in the U.S. so he’s gone for a whole week. Zayn’s not sure if that’s bad because he just wants to fix things between the two of them, or good because now he has time to work on his album.

Except… Nothing is coming to him. He’s still having the same problem he’d had a month ago, where he sits down to write, and nothing comes to him. He had thought that maybe being in the studio with Liam would have helped or motivated him, but it’s done the exact opposite. He feels as if all of his creativity has been drained for Liam’s album. Not that that’s bad, because he wants Liam to succeed with his new album, he just wishes he had saved something for himself.

It’s strange, how easily ideas for songs and melodies had come to him while in the studio with Liam. And he has no idea why. Maybe it’s because of Liam’s creativity and passion that it helped him. Maybe it’s just being around Liam that’s giving him inspiration. Either way, whatever he had in the studio with Liam, he desperately wishes he had with him now as he sits in front of the piano in his living room.

He bangs his head on the piano for what he thinks is the thousandth time this week. He just needs something, a couple notes, a word, _anything_ …

“Whoa, what did that piano ever do to you?”

Zayn whirls around on the piano bench so quickly that he almost falls off of it. Liam leans against the doorway leading into Zayn’s living room with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

“Liam,” Zayn manages to say through his shock. When he finally composes himself he demands, “What the hell are you doing here? And how in the ever loving fuck did you get in here?”

Liam’s smirk fades and he looks a little sheepish. “Um, I thought that—”

“I let him in,” Louis declares dramatically as he enters the living room. He throws an arm around Liam’s shoulders and grins.

Zayn wants to bang his head on the piano again. He had completely forgotten that Louis was here; he had been so busy not writing his album.

“And now I have to go,” Louis says pointedly. “There’s some leftover ice cream in the fridge, and I’m going to be out late, don’t wait up for me, love you, Zaynie!”

Zayn has no time to react to Louis’ words before Louis is banging the door shut to the flat.

Liam is the first to speak after Louis’ disappearance. He rubs the back of his neck and says, “So, I’m guessing that Louis didn’t tell you that he was inviting me over here.”

Zayn nods. “Sorry, I was kind of working on my album—”

“Oh!” Liam straightens up. “If you want I can leave. I don’t want to distract you any more than I already have. I know how important—”

“Liam,” Zayn cuts him off.

“Yeah?”

“It’s okay.”

Liam just frowns. “Distracting you from working on your new album is okay?”

Zayn shrugs and stands up from the piano bench, walking towards the couch and falling down onto it. “Wasn’t really working on it. I was trying to, but I’m having some trouble and it’s stressing me the fuck out.”

Liam joins Zayn on the couch, but makes sure to keep his distance. Zayn wishes he wouldn’t. “How much of it do you have done?”

Zayn takes a deep breath and leans his head back on the couch so he doesn’t have to see the disappointment in Liam’s face when he tells him. “None of it.”

“And when are you supposed to start recording?”

“Two months.”

“Shit.”

Zayn sits up and stares at Liam. He had been expecting Liam to be disapproving, annoyed at how Zayn could be so neglectful towards his career. Liam is so passionate and hardworking with everything he does, Zayn would not be surprised if Liam expected others to be exactly the same.

Instead, Liam is watching Zayn carefully, biting his lip as if unsure of what to say. Zayn knows he’s probably struggling between saying something optimistic like, “I know you can do anything you put your mind to Zayn,” or something commiserating like, “That sucks, I’m so sorry.”

Finally, Liam says, “Well, you know I’m almost done with my album, and…” He trails off, wondering if he should finish his idea or if Zayn will think it’s stupid.

“And?” Zayn prompts, because he knows that none of Liam’s ideas are stupid.

“Maybe I could help you with your album?” Liam gets out in such a rush that Zayn almost misses what he says.

But he hears it, and he can’t believe that Liam would ever want to do such a thing. Especially considering how Zayn treated him the last time they were together.

When Zayn hesitates to answer, Liam is quick to say, “Or I don’t have to. Sorry, it was just an idea, it doesn’t have to mean anything. I know how uncomfortable you are around me, and—shit, Zayn do you even like me?”

Zayn gapes at him, wondering which question he should answer first. His mouth moves faster than his brain though and he blurts, “Of course I like you.”

Liam frowns. “Are you sure? Because last time I saw you, you pushed me away when I tried to ask what was wrong, and you haven’t tried talking to me at all when I was away and—I’m just confused, Zayn.”

And so is Zayn. Zayn is so fucking confused about the way he feels about Liam. He wants to date him, but he can’t because he doesn’t want to come out. He wants to stay friends with Liam, but he doesn’t want to _just_ be friends with Liam. There’s only one thing that he’s really sure of, and that’s how much he wants to kiss Liam.

And so he does.

Liam’s lips are soft and pliant underneath his, and Zayn swallows the surprised gasp that Liam lets out when their lips touch. Zayn tries to convey his feelings into that kiss, but it’s impossible when he still hardly knows what he feels himself. He knows that Liam isn’t going to kiss him back even before he pulls away from Zayn.

“What the fuck?” Liam demands, standing up. “You push me away, don’t talk to me for a week, and then kiss me like we’re dating? What the hell is wrong with you, Zayn? What do you want from me?”

“I want to date you,” Zayn says before he can think too much and decide to take back his words. “But I’m just not ready to tell the world about—about who I am just yet. But it’s killing me just being friends with you and not being able to kiss you any time I want.”

Liam’s mouth opens in a silent “o” as he stares at Zayn incredulously. “Is that why you were acting weird that one day? And why you haven’t talked to me. Because you—because you want me?”

“Not just that,” Zayn continues. “I had gotten a call from Ben telling me that I need to start working on my album otherwise he’s going to hire lyricists for me. Which is fine, I’ve done it before, but then I feel like—”

“It’s not you,” Liam finishes, and Zayn sighs in relief because Liam gets it. Unlike Louis, Liam fucking gets why it’s so hard for Zayn to just hire a lyricist to do all the work for him. “It’s not your voice, and it’s harder for the fans to understand who you really are, what you really feel.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Zayn breathes. “Yes, exactly. And I’ve been so stressed about this album because every time I go to write something nothing comes and—and I’m going to fail. Fuck, I’ve worked so hard and now everything is going to go to shit because of one fucking album.”

“Hey,” Liam says, sitting back down on the couch. He wraps an arm around Zayn’s shoulders and pulls him into his side. “You are _not_ going to fail. Who even cares if you wrote your own songs? And I told you I’d help you, yeah? That wasn’t an empty offer. You helped me, and now let me help you.”

Zayn frowns up at him. “Like you even needed my help. You’re basically a musical genius, Li.”

Liam smiles, whether it’s at the compliment or the nickname, Zayn’s not sure. “I just don’t want you to stress about it.” He frowns. “You’re mean when you’re stressed.”

Zayn punches his arm lightly. He’s not sure how this happened, how they went from not speaking and being mildly upset with each other to playful teasing so easily. But he’s not complaining.

“Yeah, well it’s hard not to be stressed when I’m supposed to have an _entire album_ written in less than a month,” Zayn says.

Liam bites his lips, and Zayn swears he’s blushing. “Maybe I could—” He clears his throat, and his cheeks flush a deeper red. “Maybe I could help you with that.”

Zayn raises an eyebrow. “What, are you going to just write the album for me, right here, right now?” Zayn actually would not be surprised if Liam did.

“No, not with the album writing,” Liam says. “With the stressed thing. And the whole ‘I want to date you, but I’m not out yet’ thing as well.”

“How are you—” Zayn starts and then abruptly cuts himself off when he feels Liam’s hand sliding up his leg slowly. He starts to breathe a little faster. “Liam?”

Liam smiles. “We don’t have to be _official_ or anything. It can just be us, with no photographers or interviewers. Like our own little world, and we can do whatever we want.”

“And you’re sure you want to do this?” Zayn asks, panting harder as Liam’s hand inches closer to his crotch. “You’re okay with me not being out?”

“I just want you,” Liam says.

Zayn kisses him again, but this time Liam responds right away. Zayn cups Liam’s cheeks, pulling him closer until Liam is practically in his lap. Liam maneuvers so that he’s straddling Zayn, and kisses him harder and faster, gripping his waist tightly.

Liam tugs at Zayn’s shirt, breathing the word, “Off” into Zayn’s mouth. Zayn smiles at how wrecked Liam sounds already, just from kissing him. Liam helps Zayn tug his shirt over his head before they go back to kissing roughly.

Liam leans down, licking along Zayn’s collarbone and down his chest to his stomach. Zayn breathes rapidly, the wetness of Liam’s tongue setting his skin on fire. Liam slips off of Zayn’s lap and onto his knees, quickly working at the button of Zayn’s jeans.

“Oh god,” Zayn groans at the sight of Liam on his knees in front of him, his fingers fumbling nervously as he pulls down Zayn’s zipper. He eagerly pulls down Zayn’s jeans and boxers. He eyes Zayn’s cock before glancing up at Zayn, silently asking permission.

Zayn nods fervently, as if he’s going to say no to Liam sucking his dick. Liam bends his head, and Zayn prepares himself for Liam’s mouth. Instead, Liam bites the inside of Zayn’s thighs as he gently thumbs the head of Zayn’s cock. He licks Zayn’s thighs enthusiastically, getting so close to Zayn’s dick that Zayn almost cries when he doesn’t actually touch it.

“I swear to god, Liam,” Zayn groans, “If you don’t stop teasing me, I will—”

Zayn’s breath hitches as Liam swallows him down, his hand gripping the base tightly. Zayn’s head falls back against the couch and he gasps as he feels Liam’s tongue licking over the head and up and down the sides. It takes everything in Zayn not to thrust up and fuck Liam’s mouth, and only reminding himself how much Liam cares about singing helps him to restrain himself.

But Liam is so fucking eager and determined as he moves his mouth down on Zayn’s cock, as if this was his passion, and not singing. Zayn threads his fingers into Liam’s hair, not to help him, but because he needs something to grab onto as Liam takes him deeper into his mouth.

“Fuck, Li, I’m close,” Zayn warns him.

Liam pulls off, and starts jerking him off while mouthing at Zayn’s hips. His fingers are nothing like his mouth, but Zayn still comes quickly with Liam’s names on his lips. He leans back on the couch, his limbs feeling like jelly after what Liam did to him.

Liam pulls Zayn’s boxers back up, but leaves his jeans and shirt on the floor. He sits beside Zayn, and kisses him gently on the mouth. Zayn smiles against his lips.

“What about you?” Zayn asks.

Liam shakes his head. “This was about you. Helping you de-stress.”

Zayn frowns and sits up. “You helped me. Now let me help you.”

Liam grins, reaching a hand into his hair. “Throwing my words back at me. Well played, Malik.”

Zayn smirks and sinks to his knees. He makes quick work of pulling Liam’s jeans and boxers off. Liam sighs in content and cards his hand through Zayn’s hair gently. Zayn doesn’t tease Liam, doesn’t think he deserves it after the stellar blowjob he just gave him, and takes Liam’s cock right into his mouth.

Liam is _loud_. He hadn’t realized it at the awards show, maybe because Liam was trying to be quiet, but here in Zayn’s empty apartment Liam unabashedly moans and gasps Zayn’s name like a prayer. Liam thrusts his hips, his cock hitting the back of Zayn’s throat and he apologizes profusely. But it felt so good, and he wishes that he wasn’t a singer so that he could let Liam fuck his mouth as hard as he wanted.

Liam comes down Zayn throat without a warning. Zayn swallows it down, and then pulls off of Liam’s cock. He pulls Liam’s boxers on for him, like Liam had done for Zayn and sits back on the couch, watching Liam recover.

But Liam is spewing out apologies, explaining that he meant to warn him so Zayn didn’t have to swallow, but “you were just so _good_ , Zayn” and Zayn kisses him to shut him up. Because he can’t deal with how fucking endearing and sincere this boy is when it comes to anything from singing to blowjobs.

“God, you’re amazing,” Liam says as he holds Zayn’s face in his hands. Whether he’s talking about Zayn getting him off or Zayn in general, Zayn’s not sure. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

“Get some rest,” Zayn says. “I’m sure you’re worn out.”

Liam sticks his tongue out at him. “Cocky bastard.”

Zayn smiles and runs his fingers through Liam’s short hair. “We’re good, though?”

Liam nods and kisses him again. “More than good.”

Liam falls asleep soon after that. Zayn tries to fall asleep, but for once in his life, he can’t. He’s restless with some kind of energy he can’t name, and then, as he’s tracing Liam’s features it comes to him. The tune that had run through his head all those weeks before is back. And this time he can actually write it down.

He makes sure not to wake Liam as he leaps off the couch and over to the piano in a frenzy. He closes his eyes and listens carefully, then presses down the damper pedal, places his hands over the keys, and…

That’s it.

***

They work like this:

Liam’s album is finished within the week and he starts recording right away. Although Zayn has all this newfound free time to work on his own album, especially since he’s gotten back into his groove (he never finished the song he was working on that night Liam was over, but it’s getting there), but he doesn’t. He finds that it’s hard (though not entirely impossible) to write when he’s not around Liam. He wonders what it means, then realizes that he actually doesn’t want to think about that.

Liam comes over to his flat once a week to help him write. And Zayn uses the term “helping” loosely. Sometimes Liam makes actual contributions, and does way more work than Zayn. Other times, Liam is just…there. But it works, and Zayn finds his thoughts flowing much easier despite not having any help.

And every single session ends in sex.

God, the _sex_.

They never actually full on fuck, but they do a lot. Zayn finds out the kinds of noises Liam makes when Zayn ruts up against him in the kitchen, or how Liam gasps and bites his lip when Zayn eats him out in the shower, or how deep Liam can take Zayn into his mouth.

It’s not just those things that he learns about Liam, no. He also learns how Liam’s family is doing, about his new dog, Loki (simultaneously Zayn learns that Liam is still a huge fucking geek and he kisses him for it), and about the girl Liam “dated” before he realized how much he hated living a lie and came out.

That story had hurt Zayn the most. Sure, Zayn was mildly upset about missing so much of Liam’s life and not keeping track of him and how he was doing, but hearing about how hard it was for Liam to come out is especially hard for him to handle. Not just because Zayn will most likely have to go through the same thing, but because he feels like he should have been there with Liam when it happened. That he shouldn’t have been forced to do it alone.

When Zayn tells Liam this Liam pushes him into the mattress and kisses Zayn so hard on the lips that Zayn thinks he sees stars. Liam assures Zayn that he’s okay now, he wasn’t _really_ alone, but he will be there for Zayn if Zayn wants him. And Zayn does, desperately.

Sometimes Zayn wonders if it’s hurting Liam, their sexual encounters. If having Zayn’s dick in his mouth one night and then acting like their just friends the next day is hard for Liam to handle. But if it is, Liam doesn’t say so. And so Zayn continues to kiss Liam, and get him off like there’s nothing wrong about their relationship.

After they finish, Liam usually initiates cuddling, usually in Zayn’s bed. Liam insists on being the little spoon (“Because I like feeling safe,” Liam had explained when Zayn had questioned why), and Zayn holds him in his arms until he’s sure that Liam has drifted off to sleep. And when he does, Zayn sneaks out of bed, to the living room, and continues the song he had started that first night.

He’s not sure why this is the only time he can write it. Maybe because it’s turned into something special, something secret that he doesn’t want to share with anyone. Especially not Liam. Because he’s afraid that love and passion he writes with every note is all about Liam.

And Zayn really wishes that he was an optimist, but he’s not. So every time he sneaks off to write his secret song, or every time Liam whispers “I love you” into Zayn’s skin after they’ve both come and Zayn doesn’t say it back, he wonders when they’re going to fall. Because they love each other too much for any of this to not mean something.

And Zayn is too much of a coward to stop it.

***

Another awards show, this one bigger than the last.

Zayn is up for three awards to night and he’s nervous to say the least. There are amazing artists that are up against him, and if he doesn’t win then he’ll inferior, as if he is not worthy of being ranked among them, and if he wins then he’s going to feel as if he doesn’t deserve it.

Plus he’s performing. That’s probably the biggest reason for why he’s so nervous. Performing at award shows and events is so much different than performing a concert in front of fans. When he’s with the fans, they’ll forgive him for messing up, and he knows they’ll cheer for him because they paid to see him so obviously they love him. But here, he’s performing for A-list celebrities and millions of viewers at home who may not have heard any of his music before. And he doesn’t know if they’ll like his music, or if they’ll laugh at him if he messes up.

Zayn has no idea how it’s going to go tonight, and he hates not knowing what’s going to happen.

He just really wishes he wasn’t alone right now. He had invited Louis, but Louis is at home celebrating one of his sisters’ birthdays. And other than his sisters (who hate being in the limelight, but will do it if they absolutely have to), Zayn doesn’t feel comfortable enough with anyone to attend the show with them.

Except for Liam.

But how would that look to everyone, arriving at an awards show with Liam, standing next to Liam as they pose for pictures, maybe even get interviewed with Liam. Which doesn’t sound all that bad, honestly, and Zayn would usually love the thought of that, but… He knows that all of the gossip sites are gushing over Zayn and Liam’s reunion five years later. Not only that, but there is evidence of Liam leaving Zayn’s building early in the morning and speculation that there is something more going on.

So arriving with Liam is a big no with all of that going on.

But Liam could have at least arrived by now. The show is about to begin in twenty minutes, and all of music’s other biggest stars have already arrived, so where the hell is Liam? Sure, Zayn doesn’t want to add any more fuel to the rumor fire, but it would be nice is someone he was friends with was here, just to make him feel better.

“What do you think about that, Zayn?”

Zayn snaps out of his reverie at the interviewer’s question. He can’t believe he drifted off like that in the middle of an interview; he’s usually so much more professional, especially at events like this one. “I’m sorry?” Zayn says sincerely.

The interviewer laughs. She’s pretty, with long black hair, dark skin, and bright purple lipstick. She’s very friendly and every time she asks a question that is just a little too personal for Zayn’s liking she backs off right away, no questions asked. Zayn wishes more interviews were conducted by people like her.

“I was wondering about Liam Payne’s new album,” she says. Zayn holds his breath, hoping that she isn’t going to ask about the dating rumors. “Rumors are flying that because of your help on it that it’s going to have a different sound than his other albums. Thoughts?”

Zayn grins because this is a question that he really wants to answer. “Uh yeah, he actually asked me to help him out for the new sound. He wants to switch to a more R’n’B vibe.”

“So he’s not going to be our Pop Prince anymore?” the interviewer asks with a chuckle.

Zayn laughs. “No, he’s still pop, but he’s blending it with an R’n’B sound. Kind of like Justin Timberlake.”

“And how’s the album going?” she asks.

“We’re actually done with it,” Zayn answers. The interviewer looks incredibly thrilled at the thought of a new Liam Payne album coming right around the corner. Zayn can’t help but feel the same way. “The songs are so sick, like, I’m actually really proud to have been able to work on this album.”

“Well that’s—” the interviewer is cut off by a wave of screaming and she and Zayn both crane their necks to see who’s just arrived. The interviewer notices first. “Well speak of the devil, Liam Payne has just arrived.” She turns to Zayn and shakes his hand. “It was nice speaking to you Zayn.”

“You too,” Zayn says absentmindedly as he searches the crowd for Liam.

When he finally spots him is mouth goes dry. Zayn is wearing a black jacket with a black and white striped shirt underneath. And Liam—Liam is also wearing a black jacket, with a white shirt underneath and a black and white striped scarf wrapped around his neck.

What the fuck.

Did Liam match Zayn on purpose? How did he know? Why did he do it? Because he wanted to show off their new collaboration? Or to hint at something more to those that are paying close enough attention to their outfits to realize their matching.

Zayn can’t help it, a little thrill goes through him at the thought of the two of them matching. It’s like they’re both so entwined with each other and the only way they can show it, since they aren’t out yet, is through their outfits. Zayn is actually a little in love with the idea.

Zayn knows the second Liam spots him because Liam waves him over with a huge grin on his face. He subtly nods at his scarf and Zayn smiles back in acknowledgement. Zayn hurries over to Liam and Liam puts an arm around Zayn’s waist.

“Zayn! Liam! Tell us about the new album you’re working on together!”

“What do you think about the dating rumors surrounding you two?”

“Liam! Are you changing your sound?”

“Zayn! When is your next album coming out?”

They don’t answer any of the questions, just smile with their hands gripping each other’s waists. And Zayn doesn’t care about what rumors will come up from this moment. It’s not like they’re wrong. All he cares about is the warmth of Liam’s side against his, and the way Liam whispers when no one is watching, “Don’t think about what any of them think about you. All that matters is what you think about you.”

***

Zayn can’t believe he won. And not just in any old category. He won _Album of the Year_. He honestly can’t believe it, and he’s so in shock that he almost forgets he has to go onstage and accept the award.

He had lost the other two awards, Best Male Artist (which Liam had won so he wasn’t too upset—especially when Liam ended up thanking Zayn for his work on his new album) and Best R’n’B/Rap Artist, but it didn’t matter because he had won the big award of the night, and had given an amazing performance earlier that night.

All of that, paired with Liam parading him on the red carpet as if they were a confirmed couple, has made this one of the best nights of Zayn’s life.

He shakes the presenters’ hands, accepts the award and then stands behind the microphone, taking a deep breath to calm the shaking in his voice.

“Wow,” he says. “I can’t believe I won this. I mean, it’s no Grammy, but it’s still an honor.”

Everyone laughs, and Zayn smiles to himself.

He goes on to thank his family, the label, the producers, and his manager and total dick of a best friend “who didn’t even show up tonight” Louis. He’s about to leave the stage when he suddenly spots Liam in the crowd, who’s biting his lip to keep from smiling so big.

“There’s one more person I almost forgot,” Zayn says, his voice unsteady. _Come on, Malik, you can do this_ , he says to himself. _Liam did it for you so you can do it for him._ “And that’s Liam, who has ended up becoming the most important person in my life, right after my mum, within the last couple of weeks. Thank you so much, Liam, for everything you have done for me because I know I don’t deserve it.”

He gives one last thanks for the award and walks off stage to uproarious applause. He can’t believe he just did that, thanked Liam on stage and called him the most important person in his life in front of _millions of viewers_. But he did, and he feels strangely exhilarated because of it.

He’s backstage, being congratulated by other artists (some of which he’s looked up to for years) as the last performer of the night is being announced. He suddenly feels arms wrap around his waist from the back, and he jumps in surprise.

He whirls around to find Liam grinning at him. “Holy shit, Zayn, I can’t believe—”

Zayn cuts him off with a hug. Liam squeezes back so tightly that he nearly cuts off Zayn’s air supply, but Zayn couldn’t care less right now. He is just so overwhelmed with Liam and his love for Liam that he doesn’t care about anything else right now.

“After the show,” Zayn whispers in Liam’s ear, “let’s go to yours. I think we have some celebrating to do.”

***

They’re kissing as soon as the door is closed behind them. Liam is cradling Zayn’s face in his hands as Zayn grips Liam’s waist, guiding him through Liam’s flat, trying to find a bed, a couch, even a table for them to fuck on.

Instead, they crash against a wall, but Zayn doesn’t care because as long as Liam’s lips are on his then he’s perfectly content. Liam apparently wants to get the show on the road, though, because he breathes against Zayn’s mouth, “My bedroom is right around the corner. Fuck, Zayn, _please_.”

As if Zayn is going to say no to Liam begging for him. Zayn doesn’t stop kissing Liam as he leads him around the corner and into the first room they come to. It could be a closet for all Zayn cares, but luckily, it does happen to be Liam’s bedroom. And why Zayn is the one leading Liam around Liam’s apartment, Zayn has no idea. Maybe Liam is really into Zayn dominating. And, _fuck_ , is that hot.

Zayn pushes Liam onto the bed, and Liam pulls Zayn down on top of him quickly after. Liam pushes at Zayn’s shoulders as he tries to tear his jacket off. Zayn shrugs out of it and then takes Liam’s face in his hands, and kisses him gentler, slowing everything down because he wants to savor this.

Liam moans softly at the back of his throat as Zayn tugs his lower lip in between his own before sliding his tongue inside of Liam’s mouth. He tastes the sweetness of the coke Liam had been drinking at the awards show and the mint from the gum he had been chewing just before his performance to calm his nerves. Zayn licks around Liam’s red, plump lips, drawing out tiny little groans from Liam’s mouth that has Zayn growing harder in his dress pants.

“ _Zayn_ ,” Liam gasps as Zayn finally moves from Liam’s lips and starts kissing his jaw. There’s light stubble sprinkled along it that has Zayn smiling because Liam probably left it unshaven on purpose because Zayn once remarked how he loved the feeling of his stubble. He loves the contrast between the roughness of the stubble and the softness of his lips. He makes sure to kiss every inch of Liam’s jaw before moving onto the base of the Liam’s throat, where he’s the most sensitive.

That’s when he remembers Liam’s scarf.

He lifts his head and stares at Liam, just completely in awe of him. Zayn doesn’t think that he’ll ever stop being in awe of this incredible boy who puts so much love and passion and effort into everything he does. He knows he’s said it a hundred times, but he honestly cannot believe that he gets to kiss him.

Liam stares back at Zayn confusedly until Zayn kisses him again. It’s quick, really just a peck, but only so that Zayn can explain, “You matched me,” and he tugs at Liam’s scarf before bringing him in for another kiss.

Liam breaks the kiss this time. He avoids Zayn’s eyes and his cheeks are bright red with blush. “Yeah, I thought because we’re collaborating and everything—”

Zayn shakes his head. “That’s not the reason. Liam, tell me why you wore this scarf. Liam, _please_.”

Liam’s mouth opens and he searches Zayn’s face, trying to see if this is a trick, or some kind of a sick joke. But it’s not. Zayn thinks he knows why Liam did it, but he wants Liam to say it, wants to hear the words come out of his mouth just for Zayn and Zayn only.

“Because I love you.”

Zayn crashes their mouths back together, his hands pressing to Liam’s cheeks just to remind him that _this is real, this is happening. Liam loves him, and they’re kissing, and Zayn loves him back._ And so he says so.

“I—” Zayn kisses Liam’s lips. “Love—” He kisses Liam’s birthmark. “You—” He tugs the scarf off and kisses Liam’s collarbone, relishing in the gasp that Liam releases. “Too—” He leans back up and kisses Liam’s forehead before sitting back to stare Liam in the face. “So fucking much.”

Liam smiles and places his hands on Zayn’s chest. They’re still fully clothed, but Zayn feels naked with the way Liam is gazing at him. “I was wondering if we could…um—” Liam cuts himself off with a blush and gives Zayn a pointed look until Zayn gets what he’s trying to say.

Liam wants to have sex with him.

Not just handjobs and blowjobs like they’ve been doing for the past however many weeks, but like, full on sex. And Zayn wants it, so badly, that he’s nodding yes much too eagerly for the mature twenty-two year old that he is supposed to be.

Liam laughs and then slides his hands across Zayn’s chest until they meet in the middle. He then starts unbuttoning Zayn’s shirt with such care and concentration that is almost convinced that Liam is defusing a bomb rather than stripping Zayn.

“And,” Liam says as his fingers move quickly down Zayn’s shirt, exposing more of him by the second, “I was wondering if maybe, um, you would…fuck me.”

It takes a second for the words to register in Zayn’s mind. When they do, Zayn places a hand on top of Liam’s just as he gets to the last button. He leans in and brushes his lips against Liam’s softly, just barely there, and says, “Anything you want, love. As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter how we do it.”

“Cheesy,” Liam teases, but his breath hitches in his throat. Liam has never been good at hiding his emotions, and it’s the worst when he’s with Zayn like this. Zayn loves it.

Liam finishes unbuttoning Zayn’s shirt and pushes it open. His hands and eyes sweep over Zayn’s chest and stomach as Zayn slowly tugs it off. He lets Liam’s hands crawl all over his body as he works on undoing Liam’s shirt, going much slower than Liam had with his. When Zayn finishes, Liam helps him pull it off of his body without breaking eye contact.

Zayn gently lowers Liam onto the bed, keeping a hand on Liam’s lower back as he leans over his body. Liam’s breathing quickly, his stomach tightening every time Zayn touches him someplace new. Zayn kisses him slowly to help him calm down, Liam holding onto him by the waist.

Zayn pushes his pants and underwear off and then does the same for Liam. Zayn leans up and stares at Liam, lying in anticipation with his cock hard and curving over his stomach and his lip caught between his teeth. His cheeks are flushed and his hair lies in a mess on top of his head. He looks like a complete mess and they haven’t even done anything yet. Zayn wonders how he’ll look once they’re finished.

“What?” Liam asks when Zayn stares at him for too long, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

Zayn shakes his head and kisses him. “Nothing,” he says when he sits back up. “I was just lost in my thoughts.”

Liam smiles and reaches up a hand to trace along Zayn’s cheek. “And what are those thoughts of?”

 _You, it’s always you,_ Zayn almost says. But is that too much? It would make sense, considering he’s about to fuck him, but Zayn can’t bring himself to say it for some reason. “Nevermind,” he says, instead. Liam’s face falls so Zayn changes the subject quickly. “Where are the lube and condoms?”

“Night stand,” Liam answers, “bottom drawer.”

Zayn leans over the bed to grab them, not wanting to leave Liam for a second. He finds them and squeezes the lube onto his fingers. Liam automatically spreads his legs, looking up at Zayn expectantly. Zayn smirks as he pushes a finger into Liam’s hole. Liam bites his lip and lets out a tight groan.

“You okay?” Zayn asks as he starts to move his finger around slowly.

Liam nods. “It just feels a little weird.”

Zayn pauses in his movements as something occurs to him. “Have you never done this before?” Sure, Zayn might be in the closet, but he’s had sex with other guys before, just to see how much he likes it.

Liam looks a little embarrassed as he shakes his head. “I’ve always wanted my first time to be special. I’ve given handjobs and blowjobs to other guys, sure, but I’ve never gone this far. Not until you.”

Zayn feels an irrational spark of jealousy flare up in him at the thought of Liam being with other guys, but it’s quickly quelled when he realizes that he’s special to Liam. Special enough to be the first guy that Liam has had sex with ever. And that—Zayn’s not sure if he deserves it.

But Liam is gazing up at Zayn like there’s no other person he’d rather be doing this right now, and that makes Zayn feel better. He goes back to fingering Liam, going slowly to make sure that Liam gets really stretched out and used to the feeling. He doesn’t add other fingers unless Liam tells him to. Liam keens every time Zayn crooks them a certain way, and he’s moving his hips down onto them, practically begging for more.

Then he does beg for more. “Zayn,” Liam breathes. “I need you. I need you to— _fuck_ —I need your cock, babe.”

Zayn’s mouth goes dry at the way Liam is talking right now, so helpless and dirty. He just nods and slides his fingers out, searching for the condoms. He grabs one and rips open the package, his hand trembling slightly with anticipation as he slides it onto his dick. He lines it up with Liam’s entrance, and then looks at Liam, just to confirm that he really wants this. Even with how far they’ve come, if Liam changes his mind and says no, Zayn will stop.

But Liam is nodding his head fervently and Zayn gradually slides his cock in. Liam’s mouth falls open and he leans his head back as Zayn fills him up. He lets Liam take a moment to adjust, and then he starts to move his hips, thrusting into Liam slowly and carefully so as not to hurt him.

Zayn leans over Liam as he thrusts into him so that his entire body is blanketing Liam’s, and his hands are planted on either side of Liam’s head. Liam’s hands grip Zayn’s hips, guiding him and determining the pace at which Zayn fucks him, so that he doesn’t hurt him.

And then suddenly Liam throws his back and moans, and Zayn knows that he’s hit his prostate. Liam’s grip on his hips gets tighter, and he gasps, “Again. Zayn, there, hit there again.”

Zayn does, over and over, and Liam’s moans and gasps get louder every single time. He chants “Zayn” and “There” and “Fuck” like a prayer. His legs come up and wrap around Zayn’s back and hang on like Liam is drowning and Zayn is his life preserver.

Zayn starts thrusting faster as Liam unravels and loses control. He leans down and kisses Liam to bring him back to himself. But it’s hard to concentrate when Liam feels so good around and under him, and Liam can barely think, so it’s mostly just their lips brushing against each other as they pant into each other’s mouths.

Zayn wraps a hand around Liam’s cock, and Liam practically sobs it feels so fucking good. He brings his hands up to Zayn’s neck and forces him to look into his eyes as he jerks him off and continues to fuck into him deeply, hitting that spot every time. And that’s when Liam comes, his eyes squeezing shut, and his mouth opening wide and releasing a loud and long moan.

Zayn slows his hand and his thrusts, drawing it out so that Liam can savor every moment of his orgasm. Liam continues to cling to Zayn even after he’s finished while Zayn continues to thrust inside of him until he reaches his own orgasm.

He lies there even when he’s finished, holding Liam in his arms as they stare at each other and come off their highs. Liam brushes his fingers through Zayn’s hair, pushing their damp strands out of his eyes.

Zayn stares at Liam, and can’t believe how lucky he is right now. And that’s when he decides that he’s going to do it. He’s going to come out, because Liam is worth it. But he can’t tell Liam yet, wants it to be a surprise because he knows how much Liam loves surprises and Zayn just loves making Liam happy.

“What are you thinking about?” Liam whispers as he runs his fingers all over Zayn’s face.

Zayn can’t tell him what he’s really thinking, so he says, “A song.”

“A song,” Liam says, grinning so wide that his eyes crinkle in the corners in the loveliest way. “What about?”

“You,” Zayn says. “And how beautiful you look when you come.”

Liam laughs, burying his face in Zayn’s chest. Zayn wishes he could see Liam’s face because he knows that it would be the most beautiful shade of red right now. “I hate you,” Liam mumbles.

“You love me,” Zayn counters.

Liam looks up, and Zayn was right, his cheeks are stained pink from blushing so hard. “I do love you. And it’s okay if you don’t want to come out, because I just want you to be happy—”

Zayn cuts him off with a kiss. He runs his tongue along Liam’s lip, distracting him so they don’t have to talk about it. Zayn’s made his decision, and he’s going to stick with it. He understands that Liam wants him to be happy, but Zayn’s happiest when Liam’s happy, and he knows how happy coming out will make Liam.

They make out lazily until Zayn decides that it’s time to pull out of Liam and throw the condom away. He pulls on a pair of boxers that’s lying on the floor (he’s not sure if they’re his or Liam’s, but frankly he really doesn’t care), and then tosses another pair to Liam.

He lies back down in bed, pulling Liam’s back against his chest and wrapping an arm around his stomach almost protectively. Liam turns his head and smiles at him.

“Congratulations on your win, by the way,” Liam says after kissing him on the mouth quickly. “I’m really proud of you.”

“You too,” Zayn says sincerely. “But, I mean, it’s no Grammy.”

Liam sticks his tongue out at him and Zayn laughs. “You’ll win a Grammy. You’re so talented, at this point it’s a crime not to give you one.”

“Well if that’s true then you should have a Grammy for sure,” Zayn says. “You’re much more talented than me.”

“Tell you what,” Liam says, pausing to yawn, “if I win a Grammy for this album, I’m giving it to you. This album wouldn’t exist without you.”

Liam closes his eyes and slows his breathing before Zayn has a chance to say the same to him. Without Liam, Zayn wouldn’t have been able to write any of these songs. Without Liam, Zayn is just another artist.

***

Zayn wakes to his chest being smothered by kisses. He smiles and opens his eyes to look down at Liam. Liam grins back up at him before sitting up and straddling Zayn’s waist. He runs his hands down Zayn’s chest slowly, licking his lips.

“What are you thinking about?” Zayn asks, but he can probably guess what it is.

“I’m trying to figure out how much I can do to you before I have to leave,” Liam says. “So far, it’s a lot.”

Zayn laughs, wrapping his arms around Liam’s stomach and then easily flipping them over so that Zayn is on top of Liam. Liam’s legs tighten around Zayn’s waist and Zayn lifts Liam’s arms over his head and pins them down. He leans down and lightly brushes his lips against Liam’s.

“That so?” he whispers.

Liam nods, lifting his head to meet Zayn’s lips full on. Their lips move together lazily as Zayn opens Liam’s mouth with his lips. He captures Liam’s bottom lip in his own lips and sucks on it until Liam is keening, his hips thrusting upwards to grind against Zayn.

And then his fucking phone rings.

Zayn groans and pulls back, but Liam keeps kissing his neck. “Don’t answer it,” Liam says against his skin. “Let it go to voicemail. _Come on_ , Zayn, we don’t have all day.”

Zayn really wants to follow Liam’s advice and just ignore it, especially with the way Liam bites and licks at his neck, but he notices that it’s Louis calling so it must be important. He had told Louis that he was going to Liam’s last night and not to try to call him and disturb them unless it was an emergency. So Louis better be fucking dying otherwise Zayn is going to be really pissed.

He sighs and pushes off of Liam and reaches over to the night stand to grab his phone. Liam whines and lets his head drop onto the pillow, an annoyed look gracing his features. Zayn gives him an apologetic look and then answers the phone.

“This better be an emergency,” Zayn snaps, “or I swear to God, Lou, I will—”

“It’s not exactly an _emergency_ , per se,” Louis says before Zayn can deliver his threat. “But it is important. I completely forgot that I had scheduled an interview for you today, and then the studio called and asked where you were, and I’m so sorry, Zayn, I know you want to spend time with Liam—”

“I get it,” Zayn huffs, pinching his nose. “How soon do I have to be there?”

“I’m coming to pick you up right now,” Louis says. “I’ll see you soon.”

Zayn hangs up without a goodbye. He turns around and stares at Liam whose annoyance has turned into concern. “What’s wrong?” Liam asks.

Zayn leans over him and kisses him. “I have an interview I have to go to.”

The relief is clear on Liam’s face. “Oh good. I thought your mum was in the hospital or something.”

“You don’t mind that I have to go soon?” Zayn asks.

Liam shrugs. “I mean, I kind of never want you to leave, but then our careers would kind of go downhill if that happened.”

Zayn laughs and shakes his head. He can’t believe that he’s in love with such a fucking dork. An unbelievable hot and talented dork, but a dork nonetheless.

Liam sits up and kisses him again. “You should probably get out of bed quickly. Because if you don’t within the next few minutes then I’m going to make sure you never leave it.”

Zayn smiles and stands up. He stretches out his limbs, winking at Liam when he catches him staring. Liam blushes and turns away, saying, “I’ll go make us some tea. Milk, one sugar, right?”

Zayn nearly drops his shirt. “Uh, yeah,” he says. How the fuck did Liam still remember that? The last time Liam had made him tea was when they were on X Factor. Then again, he really shouldn’t be that surprised that Liam still remembers that. He puts so much effort into everything that Zayn would be surprised if he _hadn’t_ remembered how he likes his tea.

Zayn finishes getting dressed quickly and then heads into the kitchen where Liam is waiting with two cups of tea. He hand Zayn a Batman mug that says “My coffee matches my costume” and Zayn snorts. Liam rolls his eyes and tells him to shut it.

They just sit there and talk and drink tea until Zayn’s car arrives. Zayn can’t help but imagine what it would be like to spend every morning like this, with Liam making him tea, maybe even breakfast if they have more time, Liam talking to him with his hands waving around animatedly, Zayn telling Liam his plans for the day. If he could spend every morning like this then Zayn wouldn’t mind waking up so much.

But then Louis’ texting him to let him know that he’s arrived and Liam pouts at him. He wraps his arms around Liam and kisses his shoulder. “I’ll come back later,” Zayn promises. Liam nods and gives him a quick peck on the lips before letting him go.

Zayn rushes down to the car as fast as he can. The sooner this interview is finished the sooner he can see Liam again.

***

“So Zayn,” the interviewer says as he leans forward in his seat, “we’ve talked about your plans for your upcoming album, but I want to get personal.”

“Um,” Zayn licks his lips, hesitating to answer. But Louis must have told him the questions that are off-limits and gotten approval for the other questions. Whatever the interviewer is about to ask him shouldn’t be too bad. “Sure, go ahead.”

The interviewer grins like he’s gotten just what he asked for for Christmas. “I was wondering—well, actually, I’m sure it’s what we’ve _all_ been wondering—if there are any new romances on the horizon for Zayn Malik?”

Zayn’s mouth goes dry. He’s not sure how to answer that. He knows last night that he vowed to himself that he’ll come out for Liam, but now that he’s faced with the opportunity? He’s too chicken shit to actually go through with it. And he _hates_ that.

But when he imagined coming out, he imagined doing it with an interviewer specifically chosen by Louis, one that he trusts, with Liam’s hand in his giving him the bravery he needs to do it. And he would like his mum to be there, watching him, and maybe Liam’s mum too because she’s always treated Zayn like another son.

He doesn’t want it to be like this, with a dozen strangers surrounding him, an interviewer with a smile that’s way too big to be sincere, and Louis standing on the sideline playing on his phone.

That’s why he thinks it’s okay for him to lie and say, “Nope, I’m staying single and free for the time being.”

The interviewer nods, but Zayn can tell there’s something else on his mind. “That’s good. Nothing wrong with being single. But what about Liam Payne? There have been rumors about you two hanging out quite a lot these past few weeks. Is there anything going on there?”

Zayn hates himself as he swallows thickly and responds, “No, we’re just good friends reconnecting after being apart for five years.”

“Very interesting,” the interviewer says, and then quickly moves on to talking about Zayn’s recently acquired awards.

Zayn glances at Louis to see what he thinks. But he can’t tell what exactly is going through Louis’ mind as he stares back at Zayn, his lips pursed and his eyes narrowed.

***

The video of the interview is posted a couple of days later. He wasn’t informed of when it would be posted, but he’s made aware of it when Liam comes over that day.

He doesn’t even come into the flat when Zayn opens the door, just stands there, staring down at his feet.

“Liam?” Zayn asks. “Are you okay?”

“Um,” Liam says, still not looking up, “I saw the video.”

Zayn raises an eyebrow. “What video?”

Finally Liam looks up. His eyes are wide and rimmed with redness, as if he had been crying earlier. Shit, Zayn really hopes he hadn’t been crying. “That interview you did,” he says, his voice thick. “That day you had to leave my house early.”

Zayn still doesn’t understand why that would make Liam so upset, but he hates seeing Liam like this. So he steps forward and wraps his arms around Liam’s shoulders, trying to lead him into the flat. Liam pushes Zayn’s hands away and steps backwards so that he’s standing in the middle of the hall.

“What?” Zayn demands. “Liam, I don’t understand what’s wrong. Will you please tell me?”

“I’m sorry,” Liam says, sniffing and avoiding Zayn’s gaze. “This is about me, not you. You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. It’s just…”

Zayn’s breath catches in his throat once he realizes what Liam’s trying to do. “Liam. Please tell me you’re not breaking up with me. Because the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ shit really sounds like a breakup. Fuck, Liam—”

Liam shakes his head and laughs hollowly. “It’s not a breakup. Because we were never really together like that, were we?”

Zayn’s mouth opens and he stares at Liam, unsure of what to say, unsure of how to make this situation better. _If_ there’s a way to make this situation better. “Why are you doing this, Liam?” Zayn asks.

“I knew,” Liam says, then chokes a little on his words. Zayn can tell just how hard Liam is trying to put on a brave face, and it’s killing him to see the cracks. Because Liam is always so fucking brave, but if he can’t be brave for this, then it must really be hurting him.

“I knew going into this,” Liam finally continues, “that we wouldn’t get to go out in public, and be seen together. I wouldn’t get to gush to interviewers about how fucking much I love you. I _knew_ that. But…”

“But what, Liam?” Zayn asks when Liam trails off and doesn’t continue for a while. He needs to hear it all, hear the exact reasons why Liam can’t continue their relationship, so that he can fix it all.

“Actually hearing you say that,” Liam says, looking at him again, tears falling from his eyes and his voice choked. “Hearing you say we’re just friends hurts a lot fucking more than I thought it would. I just don’t think it’s fair for me to watch you talk about our friendship, pretending like there’s nothing more, and then acting like everything is just fine when we’re alone. And I knew that that was how it was going to be. But I don’t know if I can handle it.”

“Liam—” Zayn tries, wanting to tell him that he’s willing to come out for him, that he doesn’t want to hide either, but Liam’s not finished.

“If I’m with you, Zayn,” Liam says, “then I with you through everything. I want to be next to you when you win your next award. I want to be standing backstage at your next concert, cheering you on. I want to be holding your hand during interviewers talking about the cutest thing you said the other day. I want all of you, Zayn. Not just the secret parts.”

“Listen to me, Li,” Zayn tries again, but Liam holds up a hand, stopping him.

“It’s okay, Zayn,” Liam says, smiling. But it doesn’t bring out those crinkles that Zayn loves so much, and it breaks his heart. “I’m not forcing you to come out or anything. I just don’t know if I can be with you like this, no matter how much I love you.”

Liam turns and walks away. Zayn wants to call out to him, tell him what he’s going to do, and how he wants Liam right next to him when he does it, but he can’t find his voice. When he tries to say something, it just comes out in a choked sob.

After Liam disappears around the corner, Zayn steps back inside and slams the door shut. He thinks about calling Louis, telling him to bring him every kind of ice cream he can find at the store, but instead he ends up collapsing to the ground and bursting into sobs.

He stays there until he falls asleep.

***

He knew that Louis was going to yell at him, and yet Zayn still ended up calling him. And here he is, sitting on the sofa curled up in blankets while Louis tells him what a fucking idiot he is for letting Liam go like that. And Zayn _knows_ he’s stupid, and it would be so easy for him to fix his mistake and get Liam back, and yet…

“I understand that you don’t want to come out, Zayn,” Louis says as he paces back and forth in front of the couch. He’s not even looking at Zayn, just staring straight ahead as if he’s scolding the walls. “I do, and your reasons are valid. But isn’t there a point where you just gotta say, ‘Fuck everyone else, this is my life,’ and decide that there are some things that are more important than your stupid reputation?”

Zayn just nods along, because he knows all this. Not just because Louis has told him a million times, but also because he’s told himself this a million times. But he doesn’t stop Louis. He knows Louis all too well to know that once he’s on a roll like this, there’s no stopping him.

“You’ve told me that Liam understands that you guys can’t be out in the open,” Louis continues. “But just because he understands it doesn’t mean he’s happy with it. And I hated when you told that interviewer you were just good friends. Sure, it’s not like friendship _isn’t_ important, but you just kind of shrugged it off as if Liam really meant _nothing_ to you.” Finally, he turns and faces Zayn straight on, folding his arms across his chest and narrowing his eyes at him. “Well, do you have anything to say for your pathetic self, Malik?”

Zayn keeps his head buried as he mumbles into the blankets, “I love him.”

Louis furrows his brow in confusion. “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that.”

Zayn lifts his head and looks Louis in the eye. “I love him, Lou.”

Louis sighs and flops down onto the couch beside Zayn. He doesn’t bring him in for a proper cuddle like he usually would, and that’s how Zayn knows that Louis is actually mad at him.

“I know you love him,” Louis says, looking down at his hands. “But that’s not really going to fix the situation, is it?”

Zayn shakes his head. “No, I know it’s not. And—and I want to come out.”

Louis jerks his head upright and stares at Zayn with wide eyes. “What? Seriously?”

“If it’s going to make him happy,” Zayn answers, “then yeah, I am.”

To Zayn’s surprise Louis starts shaking his head, and says firmly, “No, you’re not coming out.”

“What?” is all Zayn can think to say. The guy who had been telling him to come out since his very first album was released suddenly _doesn’t_ want him to come out. How does that make any sense?

“I don’t want you to come out,” Louis repeats. “Not if it’s not for you. Not if it’s not what you really want.”

“But…” Zayn trails off, not knowing how to respond to that. Originally, the reason he had wanted to come out was for Liam, not himself. But now that he thinks about it, he actually does want it. He thinks of how much better he’ll feel when he’s actually allowed to be free to express himself the way he wants to. Sure, he’ll get a lot of hate, but why should that matter when he’s being himself? Why should it matter when he’s allowed to be happy with Liam?

“Zayn,” Louis says, “do you want this for you, or for Liam? Be honest with me.”

“Me,” Zayn says immediately. “I want it for me. But, I also want it for Liam. Because I know it’ll make him happy. And as long as he’s happy, then so am I.”

Louis smiles slightly before it turns into a grimace. “You two are so disgusting it makes me sick.”

Zayn grins. “I love him.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Yeah I know. So how are you going to win him back?”

“Um,” Zayn says, looking around as if his flat is going to give him the answer. “I’m going to tell the world that I’m bisexual?”

“Oh my god,” Louis says, dropping his face into his hands. “You are so hopeless. You can’t _just_ do that. You have to do something big and romantic. Liam loves that shit.”

Zayn raises an eyebrow. “How do you know that?” Zayn knows that all too well, but Louis? He’s pretty sure he doesn’t talk about Liam _that_ much for Louis to pick up on that.

“Harry told me,” Louis says, shrugging as if it’s no big deal that he talks to Liam’s lyricist often enough to learn something like that about Liam.

“Uh huh,” Zayn says.

Louis doesn’t say anything more on that subject. Instead, he responds with, “So, what are you going to do to win him back?”

Zayn thinks for a moment until it hits him. What he had been working on every night that Liam slept over, the thing that Liam had been fueling since the first time they kissed.

Zayn grins at Louis as he says it. “A song.”

***

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Liam had broken up with him, three weeks since Zayn decided to win him back, three weeks since Zayn had decided to release that song for Liam.

Those three weeks had been spent in the studio, where Zayn and his team spent hours refining the rough parts of the song, adding in backing tracks, and basically making it the perfect song for the perfect man.

And Zayn’s quite proud of it. He loves the way it sounds, how it’s almost a blend of both Zayn and Liam’s sounds. He loves the lyrics and how they tell their story, how the words bring him back to all those wonderful memories of Liam and him. And he loves the way it flows with the music and lyrics put together and he just really hopes Liam likes it too.

Although he loves the song more than words can describe, he is incredibly nervous for its debut. Because it’s not just the song’s debut. It’s also when he’s going to come out. He and Louis had planned it all out like this on purpose, but that still does nothing to calm his nerves.

He still remembers the day that he and Louis had told Ben about their plan. It had happened about a week before, as soon as the song was finished and ready to be released.

“That’s a little quick for a song to be finished,” Ben had said skeptically.

“We want it to be out as soon as possible,” Louis responded.

“And why is that?” Ben asked.

Louis and Zayn had exchanged a quick glance before Zayn replied, “Because I want to use the song to come out.”

Ben’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head. “Come out? Like, out of the closet? I didn’t even realize you were gay!”

Zayn grimaced. “Bisexual, actually. But yeah, I didn’t tell you because I was afraid of how you’d react. But now…now I don’t really care what you think. I don’t really care what anyone thinks.”

Louis smiled at him, and Ben looked between the two of them. And then his jaw dropped. “Wait, are you two…” he trailed off and made an obscene gesture.

“Are we fucking?” Louis said, and then burst into laughter. “Please, I am way too good for Zayn.”

“Oh,” Ben said, leaning back in his chair as he released a couple of laughs. “Sorry, this is just a lot to deal with.”

“Take your time,” Louis said.

Ben laughed again. Zayn was actually really happy with the way Ben had taken the news. He was really afraid that he would freak out.

“So,” Ben said, “how exactly were you planning on coming out?”

Louis and Zayn grinned at each other. “Don’t worry,” Louis said, “we’ve got a plan. We’re going to set up a performance for Zayn to debut his new single. And then afterwards, he’s going to have an interview in which he reveals that he loves cock.” Zayn glared at him. “In a more formal way of course.”

Ben nodded. “I can set up an interview for you. There have been requests—”

“Actually,” Zayn cut him off. He normally wouldn’t do that, but this was very important to him, and he needed Ben to know that. “I don’t want to do it with any old interviewer. I want to do it with someone I like. Someone I can trust.”

And that’s how Zayn ends up with an interview from Caroline Watson, the woman who had interviewed him on the red carpet right before Liam had shown up wearing a scarf that matched Zayn’s shirt. Her name had stuck with Zayn because of how sweet and respectful she had been to him. There was no one else that Zayn could think of that had treated him as nicely as Caroline had.

Zayn stands backstage, jumping on the balls of his feet to calm his nerves. Louis comes up to him and envelops him in a hug. “You okay?”

Zayn nods into Louis’ shoulder. “I’m fine.”

Louis looks as if he doesn’t really believe him, but he backs off. He knows that the more questions he asks Zayn the more nervous he’ll get. “Alright. They’re almost ready for you. Is there anything else you need?”

Zayn nods. “One more hug?”

Louis laughs and hugs him again. He squeezes tighter, whispering in Zayn’s ear, “You’re going to be great.”

“How do you know that?” Zayn mutters.

“Because you’re always great,” Louis says, giving him a quick pat on the back before releasing him. “Now go win your man back.”

Zayn rolls his eyes and watches as Louis walks away from him with his bottom lip caught between his teeth. No matter how many hugs Louis gave him, he doesn’t think his nerves would ever calm down.

He resumes jumping on the balls of his feet until he hears Caroline announce, “And here to debut his new single, ‘Inspiration’ is Zayn Malik!”

And then he steps out onto the stage.

He knows Liam isn’t out in the audience, that Liam probably isn’t even watching this on TV right now either. But as he sings, he sings to Liam, even though Liam can’t hear him. He remembers the first time he saw Liam sing live other than during X Factor, and how even when Liam wasn’t looking at him the song was meant to be for Zayn. That’s how Zayn feels as he performs right now. Like every word that comes out of his mouth is for Liam.

He barely even realizes the performance is done when the song finishes, because he has so much more to say to Liam. But he doesn’t have a chance to because Caroline runs up to him, puts a hand on his back as she asks the audience how they felt about the performance, and leads him to a couple of chairs on the left side of the stage.

“So Zayn,” Caroline says, leaning forward, “that was the debut of the first single of your upcoming album. Tell me, do you know when your album is coming out?”

Zayn shakes his head. “Sorry, but we’ve been working really hard on it and hoping to have it out by the end of this year.”

Caroline nods her head in excitement. “Well, we’re all very excited to hear it.”

“I’m just excited to finally get it finished,” Zayn jokes as the audience erupts into laughter.

Caroline laughs along with them, and she’s still grinning as she asks, “Now, your song is called ‘Inspiration’. Is there anyone in particular who inspired the song, or did the inspiration come from somewhere else?”

Zayn takes a deep breath. This is the moment he’s been waiting for, and Caroline as well if the way she leans even further in her seat is any indication. He knows that Louis informed Caroline that Zayn was going to reveal something big, but he wanted to keep it a surprise, just in case she spilled it to anyone, and because he wanted her reaction to be genuine. Zayn doesn’t care if it’s genuine, he just cares if it’s respectful.

“Um, yeah,” Zayn says, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants. “There’s this, uh, person I’ve been hanging out with a lot lately. And, um…” Louis had told him to get it out slowly, to ease everyone into the information. But after the song, and after waiting so long to finally tell the world, to tell Liam, it’s hard to keep it in any longer and he ends up blurting, “It’s about Liam Payne.”

Caroline’s reaction is visible, her jaw dropping and her eyes widening into giant saucers. He’s not sure what the audience is thinking because they’re all silent, and frankly, Zayn’s a little afraid to look at them all.

Finally, Caroline breaks out of her shock and her returns to her formal interviewer self. “Liam Payne, the singer?”

“The one and only,” Zayn says, smiling as he thinks about him, and _holy shit he’s actually doing this._

“You two have been working together a lot lately,” Caroline continues, trying to make sense of the situation. “So, is the song referring to the inspiration you get from working with him, or…something more?”

This is why Zayn picked Caroline. While he may not be very good with easing people into the information and explaining the situation, Caroline is. And she’s not judgmental or thirsty for the gossip, she genuinely wants people to know. Zayn can understand that.

“Something more,” Zayn answers. “Definitely…something more.” He leans forward in his own seat so that it feels more like he’s having a private conversation with Caroline, and there aren’t a hundred people in the audience, or a million people viewing this at home later. If he’s just talking to Caroline, he can do this.

“See,” Zayn starts, “when I first started writing this album I had a lot of trouble writing any songs. Sometimes, I’d get a tune stuck in my head, but then I’d forget it as soon as I sat down at the piano. It was awful. But then I started hanging out with Liam, helping him write his album, and something just clicked. I was able to start writing again, because of him.

“There was one song, though, that I couldn’t get out of my head. But I only heard it when I was with Liam. And that song made me realize, I guess, that I’m in love with him.” He ignores the collective gasp throughout the audience as he smiles down at his hands and repeats, “I’m in love with Liam Payne.”

When he looks back up Caroline has a soft smile on her face. “So the dating rumors are true then?”

Zayn laughs, because they were true for a while, but they’re not anymore. But he doesn’t want to tell the whole world how stupid he is and how he fucked it up between them. For now they just need to know this one thing.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he answers. “I’m bisexual, and I love Liam Payne.”

He can’t stop saying it, even though he knows how fucking repetitive it is. But he loves that he can tell the world that, that the world can see how much he loves this stupid boy with his beautiful smile and talented tongue. He wonders if he’ll ever get tired of saying it.

“Well, we’ll be right back,” Caroline says, sounding almost breathless from Zayn’s confession, “with more from Zayn Malik.”

The audience cheers and claps. Caroline stands and then pulls Zayn up and into her chest, squeezing him tightly.

“I am so happy for you two,” she says. “I’m so glad that you had the courage to do that. Thank you, Zayn.”

He had no idea it had affected her so deeply. He can’t really think of anything else to do except hug her back and mumble, “Thanks.”

Caroline lets go and gives him a quick smile before leaving him alone to deal with one of the producers. Louis comes up from behind and hugs him.

“I’m so proud of you, Zaynie,” Louis says.

Zayn turns around and grins. “I just feel so…liberated. Like, I thought I would be scared and pissed off, but I’m just happy.”

Louis smiles and squeezes his shoulders. “I’m so happy for you. And I mean, you’ll probably get hate, but I’ll deal with those fuckers alright?”

Zayn laughs. “Alright.”

“Besides, you’ve got something else to worry about,” Louis says. “Something much more important.”

Zayn bites his lip and nods. “I just—what if I waited too long?”

“Liam has been waiting five years for you,” Louis says, poking a finger into Zayn’s chest to emphasize his point. “For him, I don’t think any amount of time is ‘too long’. At least, not when it comes to you.”

Zayn’s lips quirk up into a smile for half a second before he snorts out a laugh. “That was, like, really fucking cheesy, mate.”

“Whatever,” Louis says, shoving his shoulder even though he’s laughing along with him. “Just finish your fucking interview and go win your boy back.”

***

Zayn rushes to Liam’s building as soon as the interview is over. Caroline had wanted him to stay and talk with her, but thankfully Louis ushered him out, telling Caroline that he had some “other business” to attend to today.

Since Zayn can’t drive, he has Louis take him to Liam’s. The whole way there, Louis gives him words of encouragement, telling him he can do this, that there’s nothing to worry about. But honestly, Zayn doesn’t even hear a word of it, too busy thinking about Liam, and seeing Liam, and telling Liam how much he loves him.

They arrive at Liam’s building and Zayn is so ready to jump out of the car and race up to his flat. But just as he reaches for the door, Louis puts a hand on his thigh, stopping him.

Zayn looks at Louis with a confused expression. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, just…” he bites his lip as he tries to think of how best to convey what he’s thinking. “I’m so fucking proud of you for coming out, Zayn. But I just want you to know that even if Liam doesn’t take you back, or decides that he doesn’t love you anymore—which I don’t think will happen—but if he does…you shouldn’t regret the decision to come out. This way you will be able to love and go out with who you want, even if they’re not Liam. Understand?”

Zayn nods. Honestly, he really doesn’t know if Liam still wants him. If five years was enough waiting and he’s ready to move on. And while Liam was the one who motivated him to come out, ultimately Zayn was doing it for himself.

Louis smiles and pulls him into a hug. “Alright,” he says. “Go get ‘im, tiger.”

Zayn rolls his eyes and jumps out the car. The doorman recognizes him from the countless times Zayn has visited Liam’s flat after a studio session, and opens the door for him the second he sees Zayn coming.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Malik,” he greets with a sunny smile on his face.

“It is, isn’t it?” Zayn says as he passes through the door.

He heads right for the elevator, but the woman at the reception desk clearing her throat and meekly calling his name stops him.

He turns around and stares at her, his eyebrows raised. “Did you need something?” he snaps. He doesn’t mean to be rude, but he really would like to see Liam as soon as possible.

She blushes bright red. “I’m sorry, Zay—Mr. Malik. I see you here with Liam a lot, and I’m guessing that you’re here to see him now?”

“Yes?” Zayn says. The elevator _dings_ and the doors open, so Zayn really hopes she hurries up with her point before it leaves.

“Well, I just thought that I’d inform you that he isn’t here at the moment,” she says.

Zayn gapes at her, not caring at all when the elevator doors scrape shut behind him. He heads over to the desk. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

She shakes her head. “He left a couple of weeks ago. He didn’t say when he’d be back. But—” She suddenly cuts herself off and turns away.

“But what?” Zayn asks desperately. “Do you know where he went? Please, it’s important.”

She looks back at him. “He wasn’t sure that you’d ever come back, you know. But he did say that if you do come looking for him, that he’s back home with his parents, in Wolverhampton.”

“He told you that?” Zayn says incredulously. Why would he tell her that?

She shrugs. “I guess he just really wants you to come back for him.” She leans in close to Zayn, as if she’s about to tell him a secret. “I have a friend who went to your interview today. She told me that your new song is about Liam and that you’re in love with him, but I didn’t believe her. Even though you have been coming here a lot and then leaving here in the morning. Is it true?”

Zayn doesn’t even hesitate before nodding. “Yes.”

She grins and lets out a small squeal. “I fucking knew it,” she blurts before covering her mouth. “Shit, sorry. Anyway, he had a request to have his mail sent to an address in Wolverhampton. Do you need it?”

Zayn shakes his head, smiling. He remembers one weekend long ago, they had a weekend long break from X Factor, and Liam had shyly asked Zayn to come home with him to meet his parents. It had been so long ago, but Zayn remembers everything about that visit, how kind Liam’s mother had been, how Liam’s father had been so threatening at first, and then all jokes and laughter. The teasing of Liam’s older sisters that reminded him of his own.

“No, I don’t need his address,” Zayn says. “Thank you so much for your help.”

***

“I can’t believe I’m driving three fucking hours for your stupid quest for love,” Louis sighs dramatically.

“Technically it’s only about two and a half hours,” Zayn points out. “More like two since you drive so bloody fast.”

Louis sticks his tongue out at him. “Still, there are better things I could be doing with my day.”

Zayn shrugs. “Probably not.”

Zayn still can’t believe that Louis is doing this for him. Louis can count on getting a really great birthday present from him this year, just for doing this alone.

However, this little impromptu trip to Wolverhampton was actually Louis’ idea. After Zayn had explained what the woman at the reception desk had told him, Louis didn’t even think before suggesting he drive Zayn there. Zayn had insisted on a cab or a bus, but cabs are expensive, and too many people would recognize him if he went on a bus. (Not to mention, Louis is a spoiled brat who’s completely averse to the idea of public transportation.)

The closer they get to Liam’s, the more anxious Zayn gets. He had felt so high after his interview, like he could do anything. But it’s worn off now, and he’s actually really nervous to see Liam and hear what he’ll say.

Unlike when they had arrived at Liam’s flat in London, Zayn doesn’t feel the need to hop right out of the car and inside the house when they arrive at his parents’ home. He stays there, staring at the door with his bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“You alright?” Louis asks.

Zayn shakes his head. “What if he really doesn’t love me anymore? What if I drove all the way out here, and then he turns me away? I’ll look like such a fucking idiot.”

Louis places his hands on Zayn’s shoulders and forces Zayn to look at him. “Listen to me, Z. If there was any doubt in my mind that Liam doesn’t love you then I wouldn’t have brought you here. I’ve hung out with the boy, what, twice? And I can tell that he’s helplessly in love with you. He looks at you like you created the universe, or some sappy shit like that.”

Zayn nods. “Yeah, but that was before—”

“Before what?” Louis cuts him off. “Before you ‘fucked everything up’? You didn’t fuck anything up, Zayn. He loves you so much that he left you because he couldn’t handle not being able to show off how much he loves you. It’s right cheesy is what it is, but things are fine. You just have to talk to him.”

“Talk to him,” Zayn repeats. “It’s that easy?”

“It’s that easy,” Louis confirms.

Zayn takes this small bravery that Louis has given him, and uses it to get out of the car and walk up to the front door, and knock.

A familiar face answers the door, but not the one he was hoping for. Liam’s mother, Karen, still fills him with warmth, and even though they’ve only met once five years ago, she gives him a grin like he’s her long lost son.

“Zayn!” she exclaims, pulling him into a hug. “It’s been so long! But I’ve been keeping up with your work. Well,” she laughs, “more like Liam has been filling me in.”

Zayn laughs awkwardly. He can’t believe that Liam told his _mum_ about Zayn and his music all these years. But that’s not what he’s here to talk about. “Yeah. Speaking of Liam—”

“He’s in his room,” Karen answers right away, ushering him towards the hallway. “Third door on the right.” She leans in close and whispers, “He’s been waiting weeks for you. Every day that you’re not here, he just grows sadder. I’m so glad you’re here, Zayn. I hate seeing him so heartbroken.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Zayn says. “Because I hate seeing him like that too.”

Karen smiles and kisses Zayn on the cheek before pushing him into the hall.

Zayn can tell it’s Liam’s room by the Batman and Captain America posters taped to his door. Zayn would laugh at it, but his room at his own home looks pretty much the same. He lightly knocks on the door, and upon hearing a soft, “Come in,” he walks in.

“Hey mum, what’s—” Liam cuts off abruptly when he sees Zayn standing in the doorway awkwardly.

“Hi Li,” Zayn says. He doesn’t know what to say, where to start, how to make it all better.

Luckily, Liam is the first to speak. “We’re trending on Twitter,” he says.

“What?” Zayn says, because that’s not exactly what he expected Liam to say.

Liam gestures him inside, and then pats the empty space beside him on the bed. Zayn sits down, his back stiff and his hands on his thighs. He looks completely tense in his black suit pants and white button-up shirt compared to Liam sitting cross-legged in his gray sweats and Adidas sweatshirt.

Liam leans on him as he shows Zayn the screen of his phone. “Hashtag Ziam confirmed is trending.” He laughs. “We even have a special couple name.” He looks at Zayn, his breath blowing over Zayn’s cheek he’s so close to him. “Zayn, what did you do?”

Zayn gulps and turns to face Liam. _This is it._ He takes Liam’s hands and says, “I love you. And I don’t care who knows it, or how many people decide they hate me now because of it. All that matters to me is you and your happiness.”

Liam gasps. “Wait, Zayn. Did you…”

Liam doesn’t finish his sentence, but Zayn knows what he’s trying to say. “Yes, I came out. And honestly? It was the most liberating, refreshing, _relieving_ feeling ever. And I don’t know if I would have ever had the courage to do it if it wasn’t for you. Liam, you make me brave, you make me a better version of myself. One that I never would have discovered without you.”

Liam snorts. “This is so cheesy.”

Zayn laughs. “Would you please shut up and let me do my dramatic make-up speech. It’s _supposed_ to be cheesy.”

“There’s not really anything to make up,” Liam says, leaning closer, his eyes flitting from Zayn’s eyes to his lips. “I’ve been yours this whole time.”

Zayn pushes him back and pouts. “I have a huge speech prepared, Liam, and I’ve been incredibly nervous about it. So can you just—please?”

Liam grins and sits back. “Alright, tell me how much I mean to you, and everything you want to do with me once you’ve got me back.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, but goes on anyways. “You mean everything to me, Liam. You mean more to me than my career, my reputation, my family—okay, maybe not my family, but you get what I mean. I love you so much, and I’m willing to risk it all for you.

“And if you come back to me, I promise to love you the way I should have when I had you. I want to kiss you, and I want to fuck you. I want to cuddle with you, and I want to listen to all your stupid jokes. I want to buy groceries with you, and I want to cook for you, even though I’m shit at you. Just—let me love you, Liam.”

“ _Girl let me love you_ ,” Liam sings.

Zayn groans. “Liam, can you take this seriously for one—”

Suddenly Liam’s lips are on his. He’s grinning as he opens up Zayn’s lips with his, pushing his tongue inside and letting it explore everything it’s missed these past few weeks. Zayn moans at the feeling of Liam’s lips finally being on his again, on _Liam_ finally being his again.

“Seriously,” Liam says, resting his forehead against Zayn’s, “I love you. And everything’s okay.”

Zayn’s hands skim Liam’s back, trying to pull him closer to him. “You sure?”

Liam nods, his hands coming up to rest around the back of Zayn’s neck. “Absolutely sure. I’ve been waiting five years for you, babe. I couldn’t be more sure of anything in my life.”

And the next night (because Karen had insisted on Zayn and Louis staying over, and Zayn couldn’t resist the idea of fucking Liam on his Superman sheets on his childhood bed while Liam struggled to stay quiet so his parents couldn’t hear them down the hall), they watch Zayn’s interview. And when he tells Caroline about his love for Liam, he swears that even Liam’s father is crying. And when he admits that Liam was the inspiration for his song, Liam leaps onto his lap and snogs him breathless, right in front of his parents.

And yeah, Zayn is definitely sure that everything is okay between them.

***

**Epilogue  
** _Six Years Later_

Zayn feels Liam’s hand rest on top of his own. He had been nervously twisting at the gold band on his left ring finger all night, awaiting the announcement. He looks over at Liam who’s smiling softly, silently reassuring Zayn that everything is going to be okay no matter what happens. Liam’s thumb starts to stroke soothingly over Zayn’s knuckles, and Zayn finally feels himself relax.

Liam’s other hand sneaks over his neck and rubs the soft prickles that are the remains of Zayn’s hair at the top of his head. Ever since Zayn shaved it off, Liam has had a strange obsession with running his hand over it. Not that Zayn minds much.

“You alright babe?” Liam whispers to Zayn as another artist takes the stage to perform.

Zayn nods at his husband, even though he really isn’t okay in any way, shape, or form. “It’s just—we’re at the fucking _Grammy’s_ , Li. How can I be calm when I’ve been waiting my entire career to be here, and I finally am?”

It’s true, this is both Liam and Zayn’s very first time being nominated for a Grammy. The last album he had done before this one had come out five years ago, and while everyone had speculated that it would be nominated, no such luck. After that album, Zayn decided that it was time for a break, time for him to try and live a somewhat “normal” life.

Liam, on the other hand, released two more albums during the past six years. Then, during his last tour about three years ago, Zayn proposed and Liam had decided that maybe it was time to take a break as well. They got married almost immediately after Liam’s tour finished and settled into married life.

But Liam was restless, and so went back to the music industry as a producer. Zayn was just fine staying at home, collecting any and all animals that he happened to come across at animal shelters and pet shops. At this point, they have quite the zoo, and although Liam complains about the amount of animals they have, Zayn knows that he secretly loves it.

Then Zayn got restless too. Every time he would hear an artist coming out with a new song, he secretly wished that it could be him. Every time Liam told him about the new track he was working, Zayn wanted it to be his own track. And then when Zayn finally broke down and told Liam what he had been thinking about, Liam was ecstatic.

But Zayn didn’t want to do it alone this time. Mostly because he didn’t want to have to spend any time away from Liam touring, but also because he knows what a great team he and Liam make when writing music together. And so, they formed a duo.

People went ballistic when Liam and Zayn announced that they would be releasing a duo album and going on tour together. It had been so long since anyone had heard from either of them, and now they were getting both of them. It was the ultimate comeback.

Zayn wonders if that’s the real reason behind their Grammy nomination. If their comeback was so big that it was practically impossible for the voters to ignore this album. But Liam assured him again and again that their album was amazing and that they really earned this nomination.

They only had one nomination, Album of the Year, but one was enough. One was all that Zayn needed to feel fulfilled. Of course, Liam is the type of person who thinks that it’s an honor just to be nominated.

“Don’t worry if we don’t win,” Liam told Zayn on the ride to the show. “It doesn’t mean our album is shit or that we’re terrible artists. Because I know that’s how you’ll feel if they don’t call our names tonight, and I want you to know that it is _not_ true. You’re amazing, babe, and you don’t need an award to prove it.”

Zayn rolled his eyes but squeezed Liam’s hand anyway. “Okay, I won’t feel down about it. If we don’t win, it’s not because we suck. It’s because the voters are idiots.”

Liam shook his head, but he was smiling as he leaned in and kissed Zayn.

Now, it’s nearing the end of the show and Zayn’s nerves are getting worse by the second. And no matter what Liam does, whether he’s rubbing a hand over Zayn’s thigh or petting the top of Zayn’s head, nothing is working. Zayn can tell that Liam is getting a little frustrated with himself that he can’t calm Zayn like he usually can and so Zayn wills himself to stop being so _visibly_ nervous at least. It doesn’t work very well though.

Some newer artist that Zayn isn’t very familiar with except that she won Album of the Year last year steps out onto the stage, a crisp white envelope in her hand. Zayn grips Liam’s hand tightly, and although Liam hadn’t seemed nervous at all tonight, Zayn sees that he’s biting his bottom lip so hard that it starts to turn white. Zayn gives Liam’s hand a quick squeeze and Liam releases his lip.

The presenter reads out the nominees, mostly new artists that Zayn doesn’t know. It’s strange, hearing his name being called out amongst such young stars. When Zayn was a solo artist, these artists might not have even known that they wanted to be performers when they were older. And yet, here they are.

“And the winner of Album of the Year is…” the presenter says as she opens the envelope, agonizingly slow for dramatic effect. “Zayn Malik and Liam Payne, for the album ‘You and I’!”

Zayn and Liam are up and out of their seats before she even finishes. Zayn brings Liam into a squeezing hug, and then pulls back slightly so that he can kiss him. Because he knows that this never would have happened without Liam. That Liam has made his life so much better and happier than Zayn could have ever hoped. And Zayn wants—no, _needs_ Liam to know how much he loves him and how thankful he is to have him in his life.

Those sitting around them are pushing them to go up on stage to receive their award, and that’s when Zayn realizes how long he’s been kissing Liam. They both blush, and Liam grabs his hand and practically sprints up onto the stage.

Zayn and Liam take turns hugging the presenter and Liam accepts the award on their behalf. Liam steps up to the microphone first.

“Sorry about that, got a little carried away,” Liam jokes. “Although, it’s hard not to with this one,” he adds looking back at Zayn.

Zayn and the crowd both laugh, even though Zayn knows that he’s blushing so hard right now.

Liam grins, happy that his joke was successful. “Anyway,” he continues, “thank you so much for this award. I cannot put into words how much this means to us. I remember, a while back, Zayn and I were talking about how we both wanted to win a Grammy so badly. I told Zayn that he was so talented that it would be a crime for him not to win one, and then he didn’t believe me—like he never does when I try to compliment him—and so I said that if I win a Grammy, I’d give it to him. But it looks like I don’t have to now. And I think—I think that this is how it’s supposed to be.”

The crows lets out a collective “aww” and Zayn’s trying not to cry as he smiles so fucking hard at Liam, who’s looking back at him with a look of such love that it makes Zayn’s chest tighten. Then he holds out the award and gestures to the microphone. And—shit. Zayn is so not prepared to make a speech. Liam is the speech maker, not him. Shit shit shit.

“Um,” Zayn says when Liam literally pushes him in front of the microphone. “Liam and I agreed that _he_ would be making the speech tonight if we won, so it looks like he’s not getting any celebratory sex tonight.”

The crowd erupts into laughter and Liam sticks his tongue out at Zayn. Even at twenty-seven, Liam is as childish as he was at seventeen.

“But, uh,” Zayn licks his lips as he tries to think of what to say. As the biggest award of the night, they have more time to make their speech, but they still don’t have _that_ much time, so Zayn has to think really quickly. “Obviously there’s loads of people to thank, but we don’t really have time for that, so I’m just going to say thank you to everyone who helped work on this album, you know who you are. And, um, well a special thanks to my husband, Liam. He has literally lit up my life, and made it so much brighter and beautiful than it ever has been. And I never could have accomplished this without him. Ever since I decided I wanted to be a singer, it’s been my dream to win a Grammy. And now, because of Liam, my dream has come true.”

He turns back to look at Liam, and his smile grows wider. “Well, both my dreams.” He turns back to the audience and signs off just as the music starts to play with, “Again, thank you so much for this award!”

They’re hurried off the stage, and the second they’re backstage Liam flings himself into Zayn’s arms, almost knocking him down. Zayn notices Nicki Minaj giving him a worried glance, and he gives her a thumbs up to assure her he’s okay.

“Oh my god,” Liam says as he peppers kisses all over Zayn’s face. “Holy shit. I love you so much, Zayn. Fuck, I can’t believe that happened.”

Zayn laughs, squeezing his arms tightly around Liam’s waist and burying his face in the crook of Liam’s neck. He breathes him in, just trying to experience this moment so that he can remember it for years to come. When he’s old and his hair is graying, and someone asks him, “What’s your happiest memory?” he can look back at this moment and say with absolute certainty that this is the happiest moment of his life.

“What did you mean?” Liam asks suddenly, pulling back so that he can look at Zayn’s face, but his arms are still wound around his neck.

“What did I mean when?” Zayn responds with confusion.

Liam runs a hand over Zayn’s buzzcut. “When you said that I made both of your dreams come true. Winning a Grammy was one of them, but what’s the other?”

Zayn kisses Liam, slowly, relearning and memorizing the shape of Liam’s lips, the way they taste, the way they move so that he can never forget that either. His lips brush against Liam’s as he says softly, “You.”

_End._


End file.
